Some Funny Stuff

A few of my favorites from Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays:

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.**

[** I sense a kindred spirit.]

[VIA]

It's the Weekend...

... but, dammit, I'm still busy. This is pretty funny, though...

It's Funny Because It's True

To my mind, the truest, funniest moment of the most honest rock "documentary" ever made:



I've seen that a million times, and it still makes me laugh...

The Funniest Thing I've Read Today

A couple of excerpts from Atlas Shrugged Updated for the Current Financial Crisis:

She sat across the desk from him. She appeared casual but confident, a slim body with rounded shoulders like an exquisitely engineered truss. How he hated his debased need for her, he who loathed self-sacrifice but would give up everything he valued to get in her pants ... Did she know?

--------------------

"And that's why I created the financial plan you found. It's true, it works. But it is not sustainable. It will ruin this country's financial system, and then we'll see how those who despise us prosper when their lenders and investors refuse to invest or lend." He laughed joylessly. "Funny, isn't it? I must destroy the very thing I love in order to save it."

"Just to avoid paying taxes?"

"I do not compromise my beliefs, and I will kill anyone who asks me to!"

Great stuff!

[Via: Cynical-C]

Judas Priest Shreds

This is incredibly hilarious. Enjoy!

Awful Album Covers

[Numbed by overwork to a state resembling brain death, I plunder the work of others in search of ideas. Thanks Eli.]

Any site that claims to have the 50 Worst Album Covers, had better back it up with some real "winners" (and they do!). Some personal favorites:

Chicken Coupe de Ville
There's so much visual information on this cover that a good CSI team could re-construct this guy's entire life in a couple of days (never mind simply figuring out what kind of music is inside). The pickup, the mullet, the song titles, where to begin...

The Handless Organist-Truly a Miracle of God
Good fucking grief. I'm sure The Handless Organist can play up a storm, and I wish her well (honestly). I gotta wonder, though, about the kind of thinking that would allow someone to see a person with no hands and call it a "miracle."

John Bult-Julie's Sixteenth Birthday
Nobody would blame you, gentle reader, if you thought your eyes were deceiving you, but what you see is what it is...

Jimmy Jenson-Understand You're Swede
Hey, Jimmy, where you goin' with that axe in your hand?

Slim Goodbody-The Inside Story
What the fuck!?

Johnny Janot-Expose Yourself to Cajun Music
For Glenn and Dave. Heh, just kidding around, guys!

Kant Be Done...

Last night I had this dream...

Phriday Philosophy and Phootball

Hell, why not?

My Home and Native Land...

Next Thursday I'll be heading home for a couple of weeks. In the run-up to this long-awaited, highly-anticipated return (and because I have no ideas for anything more interesting), an onslaught of things Canadian.

The national animal of Canada is the beaver. This is not a fit subject for jokes:



It may not always be obvious, but Canadians are fun-loving, life-of-the-party-types:



Just getting warmed up...

My Brain Hurts...

Yes, this is about right...

Gay Marriage Will Destroy the World!!

I can't seem to get too worked up about lesbians for some reason... BUT I KNOW THEY'RE EVIL!!



[Via Multi Medium via Cliff Schecter]

Classroom AIDS

Aside from some occasional, generally un-focused griping about my students' English ability (or lack thereof), I usually try to avoid making fun of them outright. You'll have to take my word for it that the following is in no way meant to ridicule my students (really, I'm serious). It is kinda funny, though...

In an essay entitled "Watch Out for AIDS!", one of my students has informed me that, aside from the "usual precautions" one should take to avoid becoming infected with AIDS, we should "[...] also avoid having sex with the general public".

Well damn, there goes my weekend...

I.... what...?

This is what I get for whining so much. Somebody, please help me...!!!

[Via SIVACRACY.]

Hockey, the Transcendental Game

[Church Sign Generator via Emarie.]

Friday Skiving Off Work Video: Patrick Stewart on Extras

The final part of our Star Trek triptych. An extra on a film set wants Patrick Stewart to look at a script he's written. Worth viewing, if only for the punch at the end...



I want to control the world with my mind...

Sometimes You Can Fool All of the People

The man responsible for the video below has been captured and killed by the Japanese Secret Police. His memory will live on, however, for he has exposed one of the biggest hoaxes ever to be perpetrated on an unsuspecting world.

Watch, and learn about the real Japan...



Who's laughing now?

All the Comforts of Home...

One of the things I truly love about my life here in Japan is the office I have at work. It's got just about everything a man with time on his hands could desire. It's spacious, it's got a view, and the amenities, well, they're to die for! What, you think I'm joking? I'm dead serious, friends. Japan places a great premium on maintaining the appearance of being busy while actually doing nothing, and the best way to appear to be busy is not to "appear" at all! I don't come out of my office all day (except to attend meetings), so I must be busy! And since the diligent "worker" is expected to be "busy" in his office all day, he might as well be comfortable. Allow me to show you what I mean.

My office has a very large window affording a lovely view of the parking lot. (Hey! There's my car! It's the blue one in the middle of the "top" row.) And you know, on clear days I can actually see the ocean from here! Sometimes I just stare out the window for hours on end...


As you can plainly see from the shot below, my "work" area is spacious and comfortable. The university has spared no expense providing me with the means necessary to do my job well: a computer with broadband internet connection, a fax/phone, a color printer, and all the office supplies I can pilfer!


My office also comes equipped with it's own portable stereo, complete with CD/MD/Tape /Radio functions. And, what better way to use my broadband connection, printer, and office supplies than to provide myself with a little music to help make the hum-drum of the work day a little more enjoyable!?


As a university "professor" I'm expected to be well-informed about what's happening in the world and in my special area of "expertise". I'm provided, at no expense to myself whatsoever, with any reading materials I desire.


Of course, on that rare occasion when someone actually comes to see me with a question, it's only fit and proper that I have the necessary reference material at my disposal. Can't have those pesky students tripping you up with some trick spelling or grammar question!


Care for a hot or cold drink? A snack? Need to wash up? Not a problem! (I'm still angling for a way to get coffee covered by my office budget...)


And finally, after a long day of blog--, er, working, sometimes I feel like taking a little nap. Looks inviting, doesn't it?


Yes, indeed. I sure love my office!

One for the Women...

I trust you'll find this one amusing...

[Via Konserverad gröt.]

Who Needs Math When You've Got Common Sense?

[Shamelessly stolen from Chez.]

I suck, have always sucked, and will forever suck at math. I only wish I'd been as cool about in school it as the people who answered the following math questions.

Seek and ye shall find...

And really, if math teachers want precise answers, shouldn't they be a bit more precise with their English?

Very funny, indeed. What the "hard" sciences really need is a few more jokers like this.

Introducing... the Book!

Watching the video below reminded me of teaching my wife (bless her heart!) how to use a flash memory stick. If you've ever tried to teach anyone how to use a new piece of "technology", you'll probably laugh as much as I did at this very funny clip.



You can close the book now...
[Via Sivacracy]