Whatever

Would I be a bad person if I said that world economic collapse meant nothing to me?

World economic collapse means nothing to me.

Destroy All Monsters-Bored

I'm serious.

Typhoon

In a slow year for these things, the year's first typhoon is blowing through Miyazaki. I don't know if it's because the typhoons here are a lot less intense than the hurricanes that blow through the American cities some friends of mine live in, or if construction methods here are superior, or whatever, but I've yet to feel any sense of emergency during one of these things (and I've been through at least 20 of them in the past 10 years).

No, no emergency. Just bloody inconvenience. The dog hasn't been out for a couple of days. My daughter's kindergarten (and probably others) mis-timed the whole thing and canceled tomorrow. This, of course, means that either me or my wife will have to take a day off work. My wife is a "part-time" (i.e. practically full-time with no benefits) nurse, so she doesn't get paid holidays. I'm a university teacher with full benefits, and second term doesn't start here until October (so I have nothing pressing to cancel). I may be a selfish bastard, but I know a losing argument when I see one. I'm staying home tomorrow. With crap weather outside. With a dog that by this time is ready to start eating her family. With a 5-year-old daughter who by this time is about ready to burn the condo to the ground. It's amazing the amount of energy that gets pent up from staying inside just for a day or two. Believe me, I know. That's what beer is for. Hey...

Our Mission

You know, people often accost me as I'm walking down the street here in Miyazaki, and they all seem to have the same question: "Kyklops, just what is it that you're trying to accomplish with this blogging thing?"

You, dear reader, might well be wondering the same thing, but what I tell my fellow Miyazaki-dwellers is this: In a few years I will likely have the world's largest on-line compendium of pictures of Japanese soft drink vending machines and utility pole wires. Mmbwahahahahaha!!!

Some people are visibly put off by this answer to their question. Others, however, politely smile and nod as they go about their business.

Moving right along...

Yeah, um... I got nothin' to say, and no pics to post... When does hockey season start?

Bored in Black and White

I'm bored. Click to enlarge if you're bored too...









I'll probably regret this in the morning.

Stairway-to-Heaven-O-Rama

The other day I found myself (quite unintentionally, I assure you) listening to "Stairway to Heaven," rock's greatest, most-played, most beloved, most requested, blah blah blah, etc. song of all-time. Like most people (I assume), there were a few years in my life (over the hills and far away) when the opening strains of this song would send chills of pleasure coursing through my very being, followed shortly thereafter by an almost Pavlovian impulse to strike up my Bic lighter and hold it high above my head as I sang along with the tune.

These days I usually just change the station because, really, I don't need to "listen" to "Stairway to Heaven." I could easily call it up from the memory banks if I had to-- every note, every word, complete. Needless to say, I don't often feel the urge. I guess habituation, de-sensitization, etc. are a kind of curse, because the song hasn't changed at all since the first time I heard it. No, the only thing that's changed is me.

Anyway, enough of this philosophical cud-chewing!

There's a website that has 101 different versions of "Stairway to Heaven."

There's the "backwards" version, complete with lyrics:



There's the "Beatles" version:



There are versions done in the style of famous composers. Here's Glenn Miller's "version":

"Miller" Stairway

What if it had been performed by The Doors?

"Doors" Stairway

Here's a version performed by Frank Zappa:

Frank Zappa-Stairway to Heaven

"Stairway to Heaven" is the biggest selling sheet music in the history of rock, is still played thousands of times every year on FM stations all over the world, and is consistently voted the "greatest song of all-time."

How long can this go on? Maybe we should ask this kid...

Pipe Dreams

Hmm... A photographic study of a drainpipe: esoteric or a sign of acute boredom?

Click to enlarge.

I Want a Raise!

Nothing like a vanity boost while browsing the web. I should show this to my wife the next time I bring up the topic of buying a drum kit...




And yes, that's a comma (not a decimal point!).

[H/T: Glenn]

Life Imitates Porn... or Something

Today I found the following message in my junk folder:

Hey whats up?..i found your profile on a dating site i was on. your hot! i tried to add you to msn but it didnt work! Can you try adding me to yours?

Now I'm sure that anyone reading this has received untold billions of messages just like this one in, oh, the past couple of weeks alone. And, like me, I'm sure you have more important things to do than to look at every piece of spam that you receive (don't you?). In fact, it was only by accident that I saw the above message. Seeing it got me to thinking, though...

No, I wasn't thinking about adding the sender to my MSN. I was thinking, who writes this stuff, and why does it seem vaguely familiar? Look at the "come on," of the message above, and then look at this scene from the script of a porn movie (never mind which porn movie... any porn movie, dammit!):

He: Here's the pizza you ordered ma'am.
She: Why, thank you!
He: Just doin' my job, ma'am.
She: What's your name, big boy?
He: Rocco, ma'am.
She: That's a really nice belt, Rocco...
He: Uhuhhhhh....

I think the parallels are obvious, and I leave it to you, gentle readers, to draw your own conclusions...

[UPDATE: Just a couple of hours after posting this, someone from Calgary, Canada was directed here by Google. Their search term?

hey whats up?..i found your profile on a dating site i was on. i tried to add you to msn but it didnt work!

I find this incredibly strange and funny...]

It's More Difficult Than It Looks

Now that things have quieted down a bit at work, I'm busy honing my photographic skills...

It takes a steady, skilled hand to get this type of shot...

Technical skills are only the beginning. It takes experience and a well-trained eye to find something that will both please and stimulate the viewer... (Note how in this shot I boldly defy convention and dare actually to include my thumb in the shot. When you've mastered the "rules," you're no longer bound by them!)

PSA: Get Literate!

We must never forget the value of the written word:

Lake Placid News

I think I've mentioned here before that I suffer from the double curse of being both easily amused and quickly bored. I found the following headline amusing: Placid man visits Japan to study martial arts. I didn't make it past the second sentence of the actual story...

Below you can click to hear an actual song (in streaming audio!) that has a theme related to martial arts. Before clicking, though, why not make a guess in the comments? (Hint: it's a very well-known song. No cheating!)

Mystery Tune

Nightclubbing

I'm in a bad mood, I can't concentrate, I feel tired. I'm eating too much, and putting on pounds. I'm avoiding social contact. I'm depressed. Yeah, I got dem ole winter blahs. Even living here in sunny Miyazaki for the past 10 years is not enough to stave of this annual bout of bleh. It's even worse here, actually. Back in the old country, where there was at least some comfort in the fact that the weather really was depressing, I used to while away the months of January and February with extended bouts of drinking. And, if I had to go outside, there were always long walks down the dark, frozen, lonely streets, hockey stick in hand, and a chance encounter with a smiling, cheerful face... Of course now that I'm a family man, those small, simple pleasures have been stolen away from me...

Imagine my delight, dear readers, when I chanced upon this item about a "therapeutic" robot baby seal, designed right here in Japan (by real Japanese researchers!). The "Paro" (as it's called) has been recognized as the "World's Most Therapeutic Robot" by the Guinness Book of World Records!

The 57-centimetre Paro, covered with soft artificial fur, behaves in cuddly fashion on being caressed.

It responds to people's actions and words in a range of ways depending on what action they take toward it, such as stroking and talking to it.

The 2.7 kilogram Paro moves its head and flippers, making sounds and mimicking the voice of a baby seal [...]

[...] it provides healing effects, such as reducing stress and depression levels.

Damn! A robot baby seal for reducing stress and depression! Japanese ingenuity never ceases to amaze! Although it's mildly mystifying why none of the test subjects for this wonderful little contraption were Canadian (possibly they're trying to create market anticipation?), readers possessing only a passing familiarity with Canada and its quaint customs will have no difficulty understanding what this could mean to me and untold millions of other Canadians. I'm ordering one today!

Now, where's my hockey stick...?

Iggy Pop-Nightclubbing

Yeah, Right...

What's that old "Chinese proverb"? Something like, "It's better to keep one's mouth shut and appear to be a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt"? Or was it, "He who farts in church sits in pew"? I forget... Anyway, somewhere some squirrels running on exercise wheels squeezed out a few bingo balls and, as if by magic, translated the findings into a bunch of 0's and 1's and deemed the content of this blog to be of such a high level that only a genius could possibly comprehend it. I have, in my oh-so-subtle way, been trying to convince everybody of this fact for several months now. What's that old Klingon saying? "Revenge is a dish best served cold"? Or was it, "He who laughs last, laughs best"? I don't know, whatever it was I think that, on this auspicious occasion, it's quite appropriate. I mean, you know what they say in Japan: "The nail that sticks up gets hammered down." Or was it "The squeaky wheel gets the grease"? Fucked if I know and, as that great sage of our age, Yosemite Sam, is fond of saying, "It don't make no no-how to me anyhow"...

[H/T: Glenn]

A Dead Cockroach and a Set of Keys

There's no height to which I won't climb, nor depth to which I won't stoop, dear reader, to bring you whatever happens to take the fancy of my sick, twisted mind at any particular moment of any given day.

Behold, a dead cockroach, conveniently placed beside a set of keys in order that the viewer may better be able to get a sense of scale:



You won't find this in The Louvre, I guarantee you...

Have You Ever Been to Sea, Billy?**

Adventure and Romance on the High Seas

Being the jaded type of guy that I am, it's not often that I'm startled out of my boredom by something that I've happened to have read. This caught my attention, though:

Almost everybody in the fishing business has had sex with a manta at some point...

--Comedian and ex-fisherman Taro Makeburu

Something to think about next time you're watching National Geographic or old Jacques Cousteau programs...

[** No Sir, but I've been blown ashore many times!]

The legendary Captain Highliner

Non-stop, 24-hour-a-day, Action-packed Excitement

Tea towels from Wales are a popular item for Japanese tourists.

The tea towels we have in Japan tend to be much thinner and smaller. The material appeals to the Japanese as do the bright colours, we find them very beautiful.

Anarchists in Ottawa "attack" Bank of Nova Scotia branches.

It happened because we are tired of living on our knees beneath a system forged by the plots and nightmares of assassins and thieves! Destroy Capitalism and its conspiring defenders!

Dog bites man.

Newburgh [Indiana] police used a K-9 to arrest a man after he refused to come out from under his ex-wife's mobile home Sunday. Cvetic ran away through a back door when an officer arrived. Using his police dog, officer Chad Bailey tracked Cvetic to underneath the trailer. When Cvetic refused to show his hands or come out, Bailey released the dog, who bit Cvetic several times.

More rain for Green Bay, high of 67.

Rain is forecast throughout the week. Today should see scattered showers, with thunderstorms also possible after 1 p.m. Cloudy, with a high near 67. East southeast wind between 9 and 11 mph. Chance of precipitation is 40 percent.

Google.com number one search result for search term "google".

Google
Google. Advanced Search · Preferences · Language Tools · Advertising Programs - Business Solutions - About Google. ©2007 Google. [Click for more information] Stock quote for GOOG
www.google.com/ - 6k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this

And the Clouds Go By...

Sunday morning boredom. Nothing to say. Some pics (click to enlarge):

Tantalizing...

Tantalus' punishment [...] was to stand in a pool of water beneath a fruit tree with low branches. Whenever he reached for the fruit, the branches raised his intended meal from his grasp. Whenever he bent down to get a drink, the water receded before he could get any.

As you can clearly see in the picture on the left, the "mystery money" I told you about last Friday is still there, unclaimed, in the toilet. Not only that, but some Samaritan has taped it to the wall of the stall, probably in the hope that the "owner" will see it and, in a rapturous fit of recognition, know it as his own long lost cash, and that will be the end of it. Really, though, I think the time for such an outcome has come and gone (just like the original possessor of the money).

You may call me a cynic, friends, but I believe this latest development is but the opening gambit in what might prove to be a long, tense battle of nerves. Only one thing is certain--somebody is going to get that fucking money. But who? I suppose only time will tell, but...

Students are off on their summer holidays, as are most teachers. The corridors are empty, the toilets unused. It's hot. I'm thirsty. Nobody would know (would they?). I grow weary...

Toilet Paper Money

A few days ago, while in the toilet down the hall from my office, I noticed something a bit odd. Sitting there on top of some spare rolls of toilet paper was a one thousand yen note (worth about ten dollars). It had every appearance of having been placed there intentionally (to what end I can only speculate). As if that weren't odd enough, when I went to the same toilet today, the money was still there. As I sat there I pondered the strangeness of this...

How did the money arrive there on top of the toilet paper? Several scenarios occurred to me:
1) It fell out of someone's pocket, perhaps as he was standing up/pulling up his pants. The next person in the toilet found it and set it in a "safe place" with the expectation that the owner of the money would return to look for it.
2) Someone (for some reason) was sitting on the toilet with the money in his hand. At the point when he had to access the toilet paper (surely a "two hand" task for most of us) he set the money down in a clearly visible place, expecting to pick it up again when he was finished his "business." He must have forgotten about it.
3) The money was placed there as a temptation to the greedy and dishonest. Leaving the stall with the note would result in the sudden appearance of a television crew and the extreme humiliation of the one who so foolishly fell into their trap for a lousy ten bucks.
4) The money was strategically placed on the rolls of toilet paper as a political statement decrying the evils of capitalism and showing us that, really, it's all just "ass-wipe."
5) The money appeared there by means of a magic spell or through time travel or it came from another dimension. Perhaps a little bird flew in the open window and left it there.

Such were my musings as I sat there. But then some deeper, more troubling implications began to dawn on me. How could ten bucks sit there, so vulnerable, and for so long, without somebody just picking it up and walking away. This is, after all, a university. There's enough there for two beers at a bar, six beers at a supermarket; enough for three packs of smokes. Ten bucks is ten bucks, after all. I wondered if this were an indication of some deep-seated stupidity among students at Japanese universities. Or, perhaps, this was a sure sign of the stereotypical Japanese "honesty" that I so frequently hear about.

Anyway, it was at this point in my speculations that I detected someone else entering the restroom, so I decided that it was time to wrap things up and get out of there and back to work. It so happened that I had my cell phone in my shirt pocket, so I decided to take the picture you see accompanying this post as "evidence."

Actually, taking this picture proved to be something of a minor embarrassment for me. It was not until the very moment when my thumb was applying pressure to the "snap" button that I remembered: my phone always makes a very audible "camera shutter" sound when I take pictures. It did so this time. Immediately I heard a gasping-type sound from the other side of the cubicle. "Fucking shit", I thought to myself. Whoever that is on the other side knows there's someone in the toilet taking pictures! He's probably wondering what exactly I'm taking pictures of and what kind of fucking retarded pervert I am.

About 20 minutes later I felt that enough time had passed for me to safely leave the toilet. I don't think anybody saw me slinking back to my office...