Friday, April 04, 2008

Ten Things that Offend Kyklops

It seems not a day goes by where we don't read about someone or some group expressing indignant offense at something someone else or some other group has said or done. There's no need to list examples here-- all one has to do is look at the front page of any newspaper to see that, these days, it's hip to be offended. We here at Kyklops, being aware of all the latest trends, fads, and whatnot, feel that it's our editorial duty to let our faithful readers (i.e. the two or three people who still drop by this humble site) know that yes, we too are offended! We are offended mightily! And, ever eager to join the ranks of the "cool" and the "hot," we offer the following 10 examples of things that we deem to be offensive, with the sincere hope that, having publicly listed our grievances, we can earn both the pity and the respect of readers everywhere!

Drum roll, please!

  1. We are offended by people who are easily offended. We are offended by people who seem to get their kicks by offending the easily-offended. We are offended by people who try to tell us what we should find offensive. We are offended by people who pretend to be offended. All of you, shut the fuck up, will you?

  2. We are offended that our genius is not universally recognized, that women do not salivate at the mere thought of us, that Spielberg doesn't want to make a film chronicling our rise to greatness, that we don't have our own parking spot, that bouncers never let us into the club, that we get sand kicked in our faces at the beach, that we don't have magical powers...

  3. We are offended that, sometimes, shit happens (and there's nobody to blame).

  4. We are offended by the spectacle of three losers sifting through a pile of shit in order to determine which piece is the tastiest. Making the shit dance is not seen as an improvement. (Helpful mathematical axiom: the square root of shit is shit; shit squared is shit.)

  5. We are offended that any hockey team representing Canada, at any level, through all of history, has ever lost a game. Clearly this is an evil conspiracy perpetrated by corrupt officials as part of an international effort to "keep Canadians in their place." We are also offended by people who call it "ice hockey" (as if there were any other fucking kind).

  6. We are offended by what the Japanese do to pizza.

  7. We are offended that our daughter isn't the most popular kid at her kindergarten, that her teachers don't give her any special treatment, and that she isn't universally recognized as the smartest, coolest, most beautiful girl in the history of the world. How dare you all treat a child this way!

  8. We are offended by the weather, the motion of the planets, the position of the stars in the sky, by the very nature of the universe itself.

  9. We are offended by our eye... OUCH!!

  10. We are offended when hacks pompously use the editorial "we" in the attempt to make their incoherent ramblings sound "important"...


  1. Re: #3: I am not offended by shit happening. I am offended by others' refusal to accept this reality, and their thirst to assign blame.

    A good list, otherwise.

    No, wait. I also have to say most of those Japanese pizzas looked pretty tasty. I used to be a traditionalist in this regard, too, but a decade of living in Los Angeles made me broaden my acceptance. I now think of "pizza" as distinct from "gourmet pizza," and love them both.

    On your gripe about "ice hockey," I can only say that I've always been a fan of Safire, and Safire would be proud.

  2. Brendan,
    Those pizzas may look tasty (and a few of them are!), but I'm sorry: mayo, curry, potatoes, salad, etc., these things have no place on a pizza. I don't think I'm being "stodgy" about this. Yuck!

    Does anyone in North America say "ice" hockey? Where was hockey invented? I rest my case. I've no problem with "field" or "roller" hockey.

  3. I have heard "ice hockey" said a lot. My mother always used to say it, probably because she was a field hockey player in high school. Lots of my friends would say it, too, back when we were kids, because most of us played street hockey, due to a lack of skating facilities.

    Now that I live in upstate New York, and/or given that most of my friends have now traded participating in sports for watching them, it is more rare for me to hear "ice" prepended.

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  5. Oh, and on the pizza thing? I don't think you're being stodgy. I think you're being a purist, and there's nothing wrong with that. As I said, I tend to use the modified version -- "gourmet pizza" -- once the toppings move beyond, say, onions, peppers, mushrooms, and sausage. It's just more convenient than saying "stuff piled on flat bread with tomato sauce added."

    The real split point between stodginess and not, though, is this: are thin-crust pizza and thick-crust pizza both pizza? There are people from New York and Chicago whom I know who would argue that only one or the other is worthy of the appellation.

  6. Brendan,
    In Asian countries "hockey" generally refers to field hockey. I was startled one time to see a headline that read something like "Pakistan's Hockey Legend Retires." After an initial WTF!? moment I clued in...

    I like both types of pizza crusts. I think the only way to determine which is truly pizza would be to ask the Italians (and then, I think, the thin crust would have it).