Ten Things that Offend Kyklops

It seems not a day goes by where we don't read about someone or some group expressing indignant offense at something someone else or some other group has said or done. There's no need to list examples here-- all one has to do is look at the front page of any newspaper to see that, these days, it's hip to be offended. We here at Kyklops, being aware of all the latest trends, fads, and whatnot, feel that it's our editorial duty to let our faithful readers (i.e. the two or three people who still drop by this humble site) know that yes, we too are offended! We are offended mightily! And, ever eager to join the ranks of the "cool" and the "hot," we offer the following 10 examples of things that we deem to be offensive, with the sincere hope that, having publicly listed our grievances, we can earn both the pity and the respect of readers everywhere!

Drum roll, please!

1. We are offended by people who are easily offended. We are offended by people who seem to get their kicks by offending the easily-offended. We are offended by people who try to tell us what we should find offensive. We are offended by people who pretend to be offended. All of you, shut the fuck up, will you?


2. We are offended that our genius is not universally recognized, that women do not salivate at the mere thought of us, that Spielberg doesn't want to make a film chronicling our rise to greatness, that we don't have our own parking spot, that bouncers never let us into the club, that we get sand kicked in our faces at the beach, that we don't have magical powers...


3. We are offended that, sometimes, shit happens (and there's nobody to blame).


4. We are offended by the spectacle of three losers sifting through a pile of shit in order to determine which piece is the tastiest. Making the shit dance is not seen as an improvement. (Helpful mathematical axiom: the square root of shit is shit; shit squared is shit.)


5. We are offended that any hockey team representing Canada, at any level, through all of history, has ever lost a game. Clearly this is an evil conspiracy perpetrated by corrupt officials as part of an international effort to "keep Canadians in their place." We are also offended by people who call it "ice hockey" (as if there were any other fucking kind).


6. We are offended by what the Japanese do to pizza.


7. We are offended that our daughter isn't the most popular kid at her kindergarten, that her teachers don't give her any special treatment, and that she isn't universally recognized as the smartest, coolest, most beautiful girl in the history of the world. How dare you all treat a child this way!


8. We are offended by the weather, the motion of the planets, the position of the stars in the sky, by the very nature of the universe itself.


9. We are offended by our eye... OUCH!!


10. We are offended when hacks pompously use the editorial "we" in the attempt to make their incoherent ramblings sound "important"...