Friday, September 28, 2007

When your wife and daughter want to get a puppy...

Never agree to listen to such a foolish proposition in the first place. If necessary, pretend you've gone deaf.

Explain to them (paying particular attention to the child) just how much responsibility is involved in caring for a pet. Exaggerate as much as possible. ("Yes, dear, not only will he eat all your toys, he'll always be bumming snacks and shitting and pissing all over your bed. And you'll have to take him outside at least 10 times a day so he can shit and piss some more...")

Remind them (paying particular attention to your wife) of the expense. ("Hey, look at this, honey, one year of dog food costs about the same as 20 pairs of Italian shoes. Or 19 pairs and a nice bag...")

Concentrate on, and reinforce, negative images. ("Dogs sometimes bite little kids, you know..." "Hey sweetie, let's watch this movie I rented. It's called Cujo...")

Never agree to go to the pet shop just to "look". That way leads to your doom. If approached by pet shop staff, make like you're about to pull out a gun.

Never actually "look" at the puppies in the shop yourself. At least don't let your wife catch you looking at them (as you fondly remember your own childhood days playing in the yard with your own dog, and a tear starts to form in your eye, and you want to smash through the glass and scoop up the little puppy with those big, sad eyes and hug him and hug him forever and ever, and... damn, did she see that...?).

Never entertain rhetorical questions of the type "what would be a good name?" or "where will he sleep" or "doesn't he look just like Snoopy?"


Forget all of the above and face the facts: you're fucked...


  1. Oh bugger - blogger, like a naughty puppy - ate my comment.

    C'mon, so tell, me - you've got a puppy?!? Then tell me what sort - so I can wax lyrical. And don't be such a grouch - you're not fucked, you have a new best friend! (Just remember to put away those Gucci - or other - loafers, the toilet rolls, your slippers, the pillows, the newspaper...).

  2. Hi, AV,
    No puppy yet, but I feel it's just a matter of time. My wife and daughter, for now, are waiting for my approval (really, a mere formality at this stage; the subtle psychological warfare is beginning to wear me down...).
    When they show me an "unwanted" mixed -breed (as opposed to an expensive "pure" breed), I'll likely relent... if I like him/her....

  3. You're whipped. Go for the mutt. They're sturdier and overall healthier than the purebreeds. And they will love you like nobody has ever loved you in your entire life - not even your mom.

  4. Glenn,
    Yeah, the mutt likely won't complain about my drinking...

  5. Oh what happened? One second I was being rude about pure breed dogs and the next second my comment disappeared! So go for mutt I say, or a kitten!

  6. Oh, shoot! As verilion's, my comment also dissapeared! Then, I repeat: don't you ever give in! Make your wife and daughter take a 30 min. walk every day for a month, as if they were walking the mutt. Only if they do perfect, they you can graciously surrender.
    Why don't you go for a Maine Coon kitten? This breed is friendly, playful and extremely intelligent. My cat sits at the doorway every afternoon waiting for me, and lies belly-up for some scratching. Just like a dog, without the annoyances.

  7. Verilion,
    There seems to be some problems with Blogger's comments, you're not the only one.
    I'm allergic to cats, I'm afraid!

    Usual Stuff,
    Re: cats: See above comment!
    Looks like we're going to get a mutt (probably from a shelter), but I'm not sure how soon that will be.

  8. (sigh) in case you surrender, I'd recommend a mix of terrier with something else. Terriers tend to be friendlier than other breeds. And go for a female, they are more willing to love everyone, while males usually "follow the leader".

    Good luck!