Well, I have to say that, after two weeks without so much as a drag on a smoke, I feel completely brain-dead. Seriously. I go online and end up staring at this blog for hours wondering what to write (YouTube and link-trolling just aren't cutting it any more). It doesn't help much that I have to spend several hours a week in a class with equally brain-dead Japanese university students; nor that I'm expected to keep up with the latest brain-dead TEFL theories written by brain-dead foreigners like me whose students, at the end of the day, suck just as much at English as mine do. (The difference being, I suppose, that I'm quite willing to admit that my students are shit and don't see any point wasting time and paper on 'make-work' projects defending their shittiness and their complete apathy toward English specifically and anything remotely interesting generally. I swear Nietzsche must have been thinking about the Japanese when pondering "the last Man".)
Anyway, to celebrate my new smoke-free life my lovely wife thought it might be fun for me to take my daughter to one of those "vintage" photo studios and have our portrait done. The picture you're looking at is the result of our little foray. I think I may have gained a bit of weight since I quit smoking. What do you think?
The apparatus pictured on the right is the "Dream Love Chair", and is being billed as the "new erotic sensation" (the preceding links should satisfy the visually curious).
There's a story about the Dream Love Chair in this week's WaiWai section of the Mainichi Daily News, which informs us that the chairs are becoming a hot item in Japan's love hotels. According to the article, the Dream Love Chair was designed by a South Korean robotics professor who "enlisted the aid of over 100 couples" to develop the chair through "a process of trial and error." (Read on, and you'll get an idea of what might have been involved in this "process of trial and error".)
Switching on the machine prompts the man's chair to move backward and forward, while the woman's slowly rotates. The machine has a five-gear speed system, with the fastest promising five thrusts per second. There's also a pause button to allow time to consider what's taking place.
Hmm... sometimes I think these stories should have a "pause button" to allow time to consider what I've just read...
Women's seats on the Dream Love Chair have even more functions. They can rotate in either direction at a whopping 10 different speeds! And the seat also vibrates -- at two adjustable speeds!
I'm trying to imagine this... five thrusts per second while the woman is rotating in different directions at variable speeds... Hell probably has amusement parks like this...
What's more, the machine is up to date when it comes to politically correct relations between the sexes, with the controls for the man's chair placed on a panel built into the woman's seat, meaning that she controls the pace and actions to a level suitable to her.
... and she has the remote control? What kind of sick, twisted, masochistic idiot would subject himself to such horror?
But the main effect, [...] is that the machine basically does all the moving for the couple, taking the drudgery out of grinding the pelvis.
Taking the drudgery out of grinding the pelvis? The drudgery? You know, there's a reason why the birth rate in Japan is in decline...
Charred bodies prone on nuclear wasteland Buddhas all Died, never having dreamed what killed them.
Tsutomu Yamaguchi is a 90-year-old man from Nagasaki, Japan. On August 6, 1945, Mr. Yamaguchi was in Hiroshima, Japan. Three days later, on August 9, 1945, he was in Nagasaki. Chew on that for a few seconds...
I've mentioned here before that I'm a smoker. In fact, I've been smoking about a pack a day for over 30 years. Well, today is my daughter's fourth birthday, and I thought that along with the usual cake and presents I'd give her something special. Yep, that's right. As of today I am no longer a smoker. Now I realize all too well that that's much easier said than done (having given it a go countless times before). I guess the difference this time is that the stakes seem higher and time is running out. If I'm going to quit, I have to do it now. If I want to play with my daughter for more than a few more years, I have to quit now. Hell, if I want to see grandchildren, I'd bloody better do it now.
So, for the next while at least, it's nicotine patches and sucking on candies for me. No doubt those around me will have to put up with more crankiness than usual. Please bear with me. I'm on a mission...
The real world has been intruding and interrupting my ability to spend some quality time with my blog. I'll be back, probably sooner than you'd like...
In the meantime, please pretend to enjoy some of my bad photography...[click for larger view]
In case anyone is interested, here's the official announcement (in English) of North Korea's apparently successful nuclear test (from the Korean Central News Agency of DPRK, Oct. 9):
DPRK Successfully Conducts Underground Nuclear Test
Pyongyang, October 9 (KCNA) -- The Korean Central News Agency released the following report: The field of scientific research in the DPRK successfully conducted an underground nuclear test under secure conditions on October 9, Juche 95 (2006) at a stirring time when all the people of the country are making a great leap forward in the building of a great prosperous powerful socialist nation. It has been confirmed that there was no such danger as radioactive emission in the course of the nuclear test as it was carried out under a scientific consideration and careful calculation. The nuclear test was conducted with indigenous wisdom and technology 100 percent. It marks a historic event as it greatly encouraged and pleased the KPA and people that have wished to have powerful self-reliant defence capability. It will contribute to defending the peace and stability on the Korean Peninsula and in the area around it.
The English, as always, is bad. Regular readers of the KCNA may notice, however, a couple of interesting points about this announcement--or, rather, may notice something missing. The first thing I noticed is a complete lack of antagonism toward any of North Korea's enemies (perceived or real). It mentions "self-reliant defense capability", but rather studiously avoids naming names (the "imperialist" Americans, their Japanese "lackeys", and the "traitors" in the south, for example). There are no overt threats at all in the statement, a far cry from previous statements which have pretty much assured nuclear holocaust for anyone who dared mess with them.
Meanwhile, in the short-term at least, the clear 'loser' in this current development has to be a red-faced China, who has yet to show that it belongs on the same stage as the other major players. Talk is cheap, and that's about all China can hope to do right now. South Korea's "sunshine policy" has shown them to be bigger dupes than previous American administrations, and the current U.S. government seems to be just plain impotent when it comes to North Korea. The clear 'winner' in the short-term has to be Japan's new prime minister, Shinzo Abe, who wants to change Japan's constitution to allow for a real military presence and an expanded role on the world stage. North Korea's nuclear test has opened up a clear path for him.
As a basically Left-leaning, somewhat existentialist kinda guy, I'm not generally prone to feelings of moral certainty and/or moral superiority. But the utter bile spewing forth from the Right, the American Right in particular, these days is pushing me in that direction. Read the following and then ask yourself this question: Am I a better person than Rush Limbaugh? Via World-O-Crap, Limbaugh 'discusses' the recent sex scandal involving Representative Mark Foley of Florida:
I have to admit, my friends, I’m a little confused about certain aspects of the situation here involving Mark Foley and the page. […]
Now, the liberals also tell us that sex and gender issues are just lifestyles, not choices. Maybe choices in the case of sex changes like the chopadickoffame and the adadictomy, but these are just lifestyle things, gender and so forth, we’re not to condemn. Any two people can love each other, any four people can love each other. You can define your family however you want, including your animal or animals. This we have been taught by the tolerant left among us. Kids can have sex, too. Not with somebody just in their age-group, alternative lifestyles, but not if the person is sexually active but younger, apparently. So we find here that there are limits. There are things that will offend liberals. Or are there? Because I continue to ask, are they really offended by this? How many of them wish they were in on the action?
So, are you a better person than Rush Limbaugh? I'm certain you are...
From the Daily Yomiuri, this story about a cell phone attached to a breath analyzer that is becoming popular with bus and transport companies. Apparently there has been a recent rash of incidents involving drunk drivers which has led Japan's Construction and Transport Ministry to impose stricter administrative punishments on transport and other companies "that allowed employees to drive while under the influence of alcohol or did not properly supervise their drivers to prevent such reckless driving habits."
The new system, which uses NTT DoCoMo's FOMA third-generation cell phone equipped with a breath analyzer, is easy to use. First, the driver makes a video-phone call to his or her company and breathes into the analyzer connected to the cell phone. The video image showing the driver blowing into the analyzer and data regarding the alcohol concentration on his or her breath are transmitted to the company and confirmed by computer there. [...] The company can check the alcohol concentration while watching the video image, eliminating the possibility that a drunken driver might try to get around the system by getting somebody sober to pose as the driver to breathe into the analyzer.
Some companies are using the systems to check alcohol levels before employees begin their shifts, and to check whether someone is driving under the influence the morning after a night on the town.
Personally, I'm in favor of anything that can help reduce the incidence of drunk driving. What worries me, however, is the potential for abuse if this device is put into the wrong hands. I can imagine a time when a breath analyzer is a standard feature on cell phones, especially here in Japan where they love to cram a million useless features into any piece of technology (if I desire it, for example, my current cell phone will emit the sound of maracas when shaken...). Who the hell wants his wife calling him in the middle of a Friday night binge with his buddies so she can check on how much he's been drinking? Now, I'm not talking about myself, of course, no no... It's the principle, the ideal, nay, the sanctity of our cherished notions of liberty and privacy that concern me. Yeah, that's it...
My fantasy hockey league completed its draft a couple of days ago. I think I did pretty well, especially at centre and defense, but once the season starts I may have problems on the wings. In goal there's a lot of potential (for success or disaster...).
The league I'm in allows for a roster of 23 players--3 centres, 3 left wingers, 3 right wingers, 6 defencemen, and 2 goalies can start on a given day. There are 6 bench positions, and there are also 2 spots available on the injured reserve if it becomes necessary.
Anyway, here's the team I have as of now (I'm really hoping to trade for an established left-winger who can score, so this might change):
Centre: Sidney Crosby (Pittsburgh Penguins); Jason Spezza (Ottawa Senators); Brad Richards (Tampa Bay Lightning); Ryan Getzlaf (Anaheim Ducks) My team absolutely rocks at centre!
Left Wing: Ray Whitney (Carolina Hurricanes); Alexander Semin (Washington Capitols); Nils Ekman (Pittsburgh Penguins); Dmitry Afanasenkov (Tampa Bay Lightning) I'd like a little more scoring punch here, but there's a lot of potential...
Right Wing: Steve Sullivan (Nashville Predators); Vaclav Prospal (Tampa Bay Lightning); Milan Hejduk (Colorado Avalanche); Colby Armstrong (Pittsburgh Penguins) Really, there are no bums in this bunch, but a little more firepower would be nice...
Defence: Chris Pronger (Anaheim Ducks); Sergei Zubov (Dallas Stars); Lubomir Visnovsky (Los Angeles Kings); Marek Zidlicky (Nashville Predators); Dan Boyle (Tampa Bay Lightning); John-Michael Liles (Colorado Avalanche); Bryan Berard (Columbus Blue Jackets); Sandis Ozolinsh (New York Rangers) Incredible scoring power here, but PIM and plus/minus could be a problem.
Goal: Kari Lehtonen (Atlanta Thrashers); Cristobal Huet (Montreal Canadiens); Hannu Toivonen (of my beloved Boston Bruins) Three young goalies with a lot of potential. I'm a little nervous about this position.
And there you have it, the 2006/2007 Miyazaki Maroons!
They wouldn't be heroes if they were infallible, in fact they wouldn't be heroes if they weren't miserable wretched dogs, the pariahs of the earth, besides which the only reason to build up an idol is to tear it down again.
--Lester Bangs
Damn. I've been holding this in for about a week now and, as much as I hate getting all melancholy and nostalgiac here in public, I've got to say something about it. Last Saturday The Rolling Stones played in Halifax, Nova Scotia, my hometown. I was just over at YouTube checking out some videos from the show and found myself on the verge bawling like a baby. Why? Because the Stones have been my favorite band forever, and I've never seen them in concert, that's why. Damn, I wish I could have been there...
In the early summer of 1969 I was not quite 11 years old. I remember listening to the radio one day, a top 40 station in Winnepeg, where my family lived at the time. I remember hearing an ad for some local fast-food chain, followed by 2 or 3 seconds of silence. What followed would blow my mind. A cowbell. A drum beat, funky, but simple. A chunky-chuck guitar. A quick build-up, and then: "I met a gin-soaked barroom queen in Memphis, she tried to take me upstairs for a ride..." I didn't know what this was, and I certainly didn't know what it meant, but I was hooked 10 seconds into the song. The song, of course, was "Honky Tonk Woman" by the Rolling Stones.
Thanks to my parents, I grew up listening to a wide variety of traditional and popular music. Big band, Sinatra, country and western, traditional Irish and Scottish tunes, Elvis, The Beatles... all kinds of stuff. There was always music playing in our house. At the tender age of 10 I was becoming very interested in top 40 tunes and was just starting to build a collection of 45s (singles). It's tempting to say that nothing had prepared me for the Rolling Stones, but the truth is everything had prepared me. I was ready. The sky opened, a ray of light shone down, and I took the Rolling Stones into my heart. They've been my favorite band from that exact point in space and time.
I mean, you can tell they (the Stones) programmed this for maximum inconvenience. You knew at some point during each song you’d have to get up and move the record needle to the next track to escape whatever annoyance was on at that point. And yet, you gladly do it because it’s THE STONES!!!
--Lester Bangs (on Sucking in the 70s)
These days there are other bands I listen to more often than the Stones. And, to be objective about it, the 'golden era' ended for the Stones about 30 years ago. But they are still, and always will be, my "favorite band". A lot of people slag the Stones these days, and their criticism usually boils down to two main complaints: firstly, that their music sucks and has sucked for a long time; secondly, that their constant touring is nothing more than money-grubbing exploitation of their past glory. The only reasonable reponse to the first complaint is this: so fucking what? Frankly, I don't think a reasonable person would listen to Michael Jackson, or Madonna, or Britney Spears, or any one of a million shite "artists" I can think of, but arguing over what is essentially a matter of taste is a waste of time. Nothing, and I mean absolutley nothing I say, no matter how reasoned, how steeped in terms of music history and theory, is going to make someone stop listening to Michael Jackson and start buying Stones albums. Case dismissed...
The first mistake of art is to assume that it's serious.
--Lester Bangs
My initial response to the second complaint is also so what? Since when is it a crime to take the money of willing customers? This response will likely satisfy most, but there will always be some poor, misguided soul who will cry out, "but what about artistic integrity?" Artistic integrity? Sorry, sonny, we're talking about rock 'n' roll here. Sure, it's art, but there ain't no room on the bus for "artists". Show me a guy who picks up a guitar for "art's sake" and I'll show you a fucking wanker. Have the Stones ever fashioned themselves as artists? Does anyone think the Stones are actually embarassed about being old rich guys with hot wives and girlfriends? Hah! It's their philosophy. People can like them or leave them, but they can't be accused of dishonesty. We'll leave that racket to the artistes...
Damn, I wish I could have been there... Even this close...
UPDATE: I located a video that has the original recording of "Honky Tonk Woman". It's really too bad that the enjoyment of this song has been watered down by so many inferior versions (a few of them by the Stones themselves). It's not the best Stones tune ever, but it is one of many rock classics. Enjoy...
Just when I was about ready to give up on them, my buddies over at the Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea have returned with a vengeance. Yes, after months of lazy, uninspired, and --dare I say it?--almost civilized rants against Japan, the U.S. and anyone else who looks like a running-dog lackey of the imperialist hordes, my guys, yes, my guys (for I love them as surely as the sun rises in the east...) are back with a healthy dose of that good old down-on-the-rice-paddy, angst-ridden, I-don't-know-how-to-use-English-grammar-or-vocabulary-and-I-don't-give-a-fuck political invective.
The sanctions — called for in a U.N. Security Council resolution that denounced the July launches — ban fund transfers and overseas remittances by groups and individuals suspected of links to North Korean weapons programs.
"By taking these measures, we have demonstrated the resolve of the international community and Japan that is in line with U.N. Security Council resolution," Chief Cabinet Secretary Shinzo Abe said.
"I do not know how North Korea will respond, but I hope North Korea will accept the U.N. Security Council resolution in a sincere manner and respond to various concerns of the international community such as on their missile launches," he said.
I guess you could call North Korea's response "sincere". The Korean Central News Agency (Sept. 25-UPDATE: Sorry, this should say Sept. 26) translates for us from Rodong Sinmun:
Rodong Sinmun Monday ridicules Japan's application of "financial sanctions" against the DPRK as a farce of a jester of a circus troupe. The Japanese authorities, bereft of reason, are foolishly performing short-sighted and senseless buffoonery reminding us of a rural vendor, regarding "financial sanctions" as "a panacea," says a Rodong Sinmun commentary Monday.
[...] Dancing to other's tune, Japan is attempting to pressurize and strangle the DPRK with such "financial sanctions" to drive it somewhere. It is, however, a poor, third-rate diplomacy of bat-blind philistines.
I don't mind telling you right now that I could read this stuff forever. For me it has the essence of, oh, I don't know, Nietzsche on acid...
Japan is whipping itself into senseless frenzy to please the whim of its American master. It is acting flippantly not to fall behind the U.S. in the racket of sanctions against the DPRK. It does not warrant surprise, considering that Japan has made it its physical quality to lick the boots of the American master and tail behind the U.S. It is unseemly for Japan, styling itself "a big power," to behave like this.
Japan's noisy row of "financial sanctions" against the DPRK is a disgusting behavior of a slovenly political charlatan bent on refurbishing his public image by ingratiating himself with his American master and feathering his own nest by following the U.S.
You know, if I could get my Japanese university students to speak and write like this, my job would be a helluva lot more fun...
It is an utterly unreasonable sophism to describe the application of the "financial sanctions" as "a catalyzer" for "dialogue." It is a folly rendering the problem more complicated and carrying the DPRK-Japan confrontation to extremes.
It is justifiable and natural for the DPRK to put up a tough rebuff to Japan's desperate political provocation. The situation is very serious and the consequences are unpredictable. Japan would be well advised to behave with discretion, pondering over the serious consequences to be entailed by its harebrained act against the DPRK.
And there you have it. Well, Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, you've been a stranger too long. It's good to have you back and in such fine form. Until next time, farewell, my friends.
A Japanese man recently won the World Air Guitar Championship in Finland. Less publicized, however, is the fact that Japan has another champion in, um, another "virtual" sport--air sex. According to this story in the WaiWai section (English translations of articles from some of Japan's less 'reputable' magazines) of the Mainichi Daily News, "air sex requires players to simulate sauciness as though with a partner, but actually while alone."
"Air sex was originally invented by guys who couldn't get girlfriends, but desperately want to have sex," J-Taro Sugisaku, the self-professed creator of air sex, tells Weekly Playboy.
Sugisaku discusses some the 'dangers' of air sex:
"You must be warned, though, air sex can be very dangerous," Sugisaku says. "Normally what happens with a display is that you perform the same way you normally would when having sex. I've seen guys who put on air sex shows that clearly display they're still virgins. I've also seen other guys perform such incredibly authentic fake fellatio that nobody has been left in any doubt that they could only be bisexual. Let me reiterate: Air sex can be dangerous."
Hmmm... The reigning air sex champion, who calls himself Cobra, informs us that "successful air sex... involves more than just blowing," and gives some insight into the mental preparation required to be a successful air sex... participant:
"On the day that I reached the top, the day I became world champion, I was thinking of my girlfriend. No, my ex-girlfriend. She'd just dumped me two days before the contest," Cobra tells Weekly Playboy. "The air sex display I put on that day was, in my mind at least, supposed to be the farewell fling I really wanted to have with my girlfriend. It was the best possible condition I could have been in going into the competition."
Now close your eyes and imagine this:
Cobra then proceeds to put on an 8 1/2-minute display of air sex for the weekly, with moves including ear nibbling, sphincter licking, attaching a condom while kissing, ejaculation and afterglow. Cobra says that the knack of bogus bonking lies in openness.
If you're still here, Cobra has some advice for aspiring air sex 'artists':
"You can't care about what women watching your performance are thinking about you. When you get down to air sex, you've got to immerse yourself in the air sex world," Cobra says. "Air sex can't be performed in half-measures. If it is, you're only asking for trouble."
Sugisaku concurs, explaining that "if you get nervous, air sex is impossible. A good start is understanding your own sexual habits and going on from there." Truly words to live by...
UPDATE: In a classic case of 'I wish I'd thought o' that', Eli at Multi Medium asks, "... do they achieve airgasm?"
Hockey has been a passion of mine for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, living in Miyazaki means that I rarely get to see any games, and then only on TV. These days I 'experience' hockey pretty much exclusively through my pc. To my knowledge there is only one skating rink in all of Miyazaki Prefecture. It's outdoors, is only open for a few weeks in winter, and is located atop Ebino Plateau, making access in wintertime somewhat difficult. I went there for the first time last winter and had a blast dazzling the locals with my (very rusty) skating abilities.
Anyway, the National Hockey League pre-season has begun, and my attention is beginning to turn to hockey. I'm quite aware that, of the handful of regular readers I have here, probably none know much about hockey and may not be interested in it at all. To the hockey 'unwashed': I plan to post occasionally on the topic of hockey, in a non-technical, general-interest, and (I hope) sometimes humorous style. I'm not going to try to 'teach' hockey to anyone (although there will generally be links aplenty for those who want to find out more). I simply want to share my passion, gentle readers! Game on!
Behind every great hockey player is a... coach, who imparts his knowledge, his passion, and his philosophy of the game to the impressionable young minds and bodies of the players in his charge. In the video below, future Hall of FamedefensemanChris Chelios of the Detroit Red Wings reminisces about a memorable coach from his past, the inimitable Jules Winnfield...
In football (soccer) they have something called a penalty kick. In hockey we have a penalty shot. Watch the brief video below, and then tell me which seems more interesting...
You'll never see anything that cool in a penalty kick!
[Note: A complete comparison of penalty kicks/penalty shots would require me to get into more technical details than I want to do here. If anyone wishes to pursue a more technical discussion on this or any other hockey-related topics, as they arise, please feel free to post a comment.]
Once upon a time, in a land far away, on the internet, I directed the following 'flame' at a long-forgotten opponent, in a long-forgotten argument having something to do with insects:
So tell us, o entymylogically(sp?) wise one, what the fuck does this have to do with the original post? Since you're obviously some kind of mutated cockroach, you've got nothing to win or lose, although it appears as if you've lost your antenae for common sense. Go back to the garbage heap you worhtless shit gulping less than a maggot brained wart on a shit infested ant's ass. While you're at it- fuck off.
I don't have much to say for myself, except that in those days the internet was, for me, one long flame war. In the years since writing the above, aside from learning how to spell 'entomologically', I've learned to, shall we say, control my tongue (if not my temper) a bit more. Cursing and swearing and snide comments, after all, tend to lose their appeal when the potential target (in my case Japanese-speaking people) is not likely to understand what you're talking about. Of course, as any of my ex-pat drinking buddies could tell you, I can still peel the paint off buildings with just a few choice words when the mood hits. Generally speaking, though, I'm a much mellower guy than the lout that wrote the words above, which leads me to something that happened this morning...
Like most English-speaking guys (at least the ones I know and associate with!), it's fairly common for me to use the words 'fuck' and 'shit' as exclamatory statements: "oh, for fuck sake!", "fuck it!", "fuck, yeah!", "ahh, shit!", and "holy shit!" being but a few examples. This morning, I was making coffee in the kitchen. I thought I was alone. One of the things I hate about Japan is that it sometimes seems as though all of the interior designers here are thinking about dwarves or people who never have to stand up living in their creations... Anyway, I'm in the kitchen making coffee and I think I'm alone, when suddenly I give my head its daily bash, this time into the corner of an overhead cupboard. Fuck, did it hurt! "Fuuck!!", I yelled. And then my daughter walked around the corner and said, "nande 'fuck', Daddy?" As much as my head hurt, I felt a bit ashamed.
Nande means 'why', so my daughter was asking me why I said 'fuck'. She didn't say, "'fuck' nan desu ka?" ("what is 'fuck'?" or "what does 'fuck' mean?"). I'm fairly certain that my 3-year old doesn't know the meaning of 'fuck'. But by asking me why I said 'fuck' she showed a pretty good understanding of one of the word's functions in English. She heard me say 'fuck'. She saw me holding my head in pain. If she could say it in English, she would have said "what happened?". Barring that, she wondered what made me say 'fuck'. Clearly she's heard me say it before...
I'm a rotten father, doomed to spending the rest of his days in fear. Fear that one day, sooner or later, my little girl will, in the presence of her mother--my wife, fall down, or bump her head, or drop her ice cream, and at that fateful moment she'll scream the dreaded word. And I'll be fucked...
From my recently-met friend, Chez, at Smells Like White Spirit. I give you the President of the United States of America, poet statesman:
MAKE THE PIE HIGHER by George W. Bush
I think we all agree, the past is over. This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked Is our children learning? Will the highways of the Internet become more few? How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me. I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity. I know that the human being and the fish can coexist. Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family! Knock down the tollbooth! Vulcanize society! Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!