Kim Jong Il: Capitalist Genius

The Democratic People's Republic of Korea has had a busy week, what with detonating a nuclear bomb, launching a bunch of ballistic missiles into the sea, scrapping the armistice, declaring war on South Korea and the rest of the world (are links really necessary?), and whatever regular, daily shenanigans they're usually busy at. And, of course, this has all been planned and carried out by the Dear Leader himself.

The world has been on edge all week trying to figure out what those crazy bastards are up to this time. Meanwhile, I have been analyzing the available data, and only now feel confident about divulging the results. What you are about to read may shock you, may horrify you, may make you laugh so hard you cry... Whatever. It's none of my business, really.

Why North Korea acts the way it does and what Kim Jong Il really wants:

All the Dear Leader wants, dear reader, is for you to buy one of these snappy suits [PDF file--R.] he's designed and has for sale:


In fact, I have it on good authority that for every 100 suits sold (excluding sales in South Korea and Japan) the Dear Leader will cancel one scheduled nuclear test.

Yet another way in which capitalism shows itself to be a catalyst for world peace. Unless you're a fucking Commie, or something...

News from The Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea

Sometimes it seems like I've somehow forgotten how to write. I feel tired, or uninspired, or... I don't know, I just don't feel like writing anything. During these trying times I find it helpful to read something interesting, something inspiring.

The Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea has never let me down. Moments after reading one of their articles, sure enough, I find myself clacking away at the keyboard. The Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea has, for me, muse-like, almost magical powers; a zen quality that helps me clear away the cobwebs of my mind and inspires me to spread their good words to the world. I bow down in humble awe to the masters at The Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.

Behold, the dire warnings directed at those who would thwart the will of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea [from April 2]:

It is the Japanese reactionaries, the sworn enemy of the Korean people, who are perpetrating the most evil doings over the DPRK's projected satellite launch for peaceful purposes.

It kinda makes me wish I had a "sworn enemy," or that I were the sworn enemy of someone. Really, who doesn't dream of being able to talk that way with a straight face?

Kongo and Choukai, guided-missile destroyers of the Japanese aggressor forces and the destroyer Great King Sejong of the south Korean puppet navy have already been deployed in the East Sea of Korea.

The "south Korean puppet navy"! My imagination is ablaze!

The KPA General Staff solemnly declares as follows to cope with the prevailing situation:

1. If Japan recklessly "intercepts" the DPRK's satellite for peaceful purposes, the KPA will mercilessly deal deadly blows not only at the already deployed intercepting means but at major targets.

You know, there are those who condemn the language used in the pronouncements of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, but wouldn't it be fun to be rid of the niceties of civilized behavior and just say what's really on your mind?

2. The U.S. should immediately withdraw its already deployed armed forces if it does not wish to be hurt by the above-said strike as DPRK clarified its stand on its projected satellite launch for peaceful purposes.

Sometimes word choice is everything. The Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea's use of the word "hurt" in this context brought tears of admiration to my eyes.

3. The south Korean puppet bellicose forces should refrain from disturbing the said launch, the pride of the nation, while currying favor with their U.S. and Japanese masters.

As an English teacher, it's rare that I read such jaw-droppingly complex prose as this, let alone actually write something like it. But dammit, the The Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea sure inspires me to keep trying!

Oh I Wish, I Wish...

... I wish I were a fish...

... Huh? Oh! Sorry!... Ya know folks, it's been quite some time since I've checked in with my good buddies at the Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. Fuck, how I've missed those guys and the the antics they get up to. Fuck world peace, I say, if it in any way impedes the writing artistry of those artistic writers of writing artistry at the Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. That's what I say!

But I digress! As you can imagine, what with dismantling nuclear programs and generally being forced to lick the boots of the running dog lackeys of the imperialist hordes just to get a sack of rice and a condom that doesn't leak, ol' Kim Jong Il has had to reign in those journalistic mad dogs over at the Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. Yes, they've had to tone things down a bit recently. Or have they? I mean, they're not called the Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea for nuthin', ya know! And Kim Jong Il ain't called the great leader who inspires the writing artistry of artistic writers for nuthin', either! No siree, Bob!

Why, just recently it was the great leader's birthday, and what better occasion for those brilliant purveyors of artistic artistry and writerly writing, the Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, to strut their Stalinist stuff? Some highlights (completely unedited, or altered in any way by me) from a paean to the great leader, entitled "Kim Jong Il, Songun Commader with Unparalleled Courage and Grit" [they haven't quite mastered the art of html over there yet, so you may have to look around a bit for articles from Feb. 16]:

• Kim Jong Il, who was born in Mt. Paektu and grew up in battle sites rocked by gun reports, is a brilliant Songun commander with unparalleled courage and grit.
• It was in January Juche 57 (1968) when the U.S. imperialits' armed spy ship Pueblo was captured, which was an event that shook the world. Determined to seize the initiative in smashing the enemy's "retaliation", Kim Jong Il put forward concrete military countermeasures along with strategic and tactical plans to frustrate the "blitzkrieg" of the enemy at one blow in an event of war, thus making the arrogant U.S. imperialists shudder.
• In the first half of the 1990s when the sovereignty of the nation and the supreme interests of the country were facing a grave threat due to the U.S. nuclear blackmail and war adventure, the DPRK under his courage and grit declared a semi-war state and took the decisive step of quiting the NPT to crop the U.S. imperialists' feathers under the eye of the world.
• In the days when the destiny of the country was at stake, he played a yut-game with soldiers and taught them how to play it on his way to the front. And he wisely led grand socialist construction at its head with iron will and grit to continue construction till 12 o'clock tonight even though a war might break out tomorrow.
• His courage and grit always bringing victory, the army and people of Korea could launch into gigantic land rezoning and bring into being such grand edifices as the Anbyon Youth Power Station, the Youth Hero Motorway and Kumrung Tunnel No 2, overflowing with the optimism of sure victory in the days of untold difficulties.

When I read stuff like that, not only do sweet soul sounds stir my soul, but I also realize that, in the world of writing, if the Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea are as like unto gods (heh), I am but a lowly dung beetle, and the libraries of the world are but my dung heap.

I toil on...

Songun Blog

I stand in humbled awe of Songun Blog, "Single-mindedly united as one under the Banner of Songun held aloft by the Dear Leader Comrade Generalissimo Kim Jong Il, brilliant statesman, political genius, and invincible military commander".

I'd always (arrogantly, as I see now) considered myself to be a fairly eloquent guy. Until I read this:

Bush the war criminal warmongering mental retard stupid corporate redneck capitalist cowboy is evil to the point of sucking out the blood of veterans of his criminal wars of aggression, but the Dear Leader Comrade Generalissimo Kim Jong Il the brilliant statesman political genius, prodigious humanist and invincible military commander is a very loyal leader who take the loving care of the veterans of the Revolutionary Anti-Japanese Liberation War and the Fatherland Liberation War.

I am but a worm, unfit to be squished under the Dear Leader's boot.

They've got some pretty snappy videos, too. (Anyone who teaches English to kids in Japan may even be surprised to recognize the melody of the song--"If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!")



And who could read the Song of General Kim Jong Il and not be moved by it's poetic beauty? (Scroll down through the comments for some amusement...)

Mt. Paektu reaches across
To shape our beautiful land.
Cheers resound all over the land,
Hailing our dear General.
He's the leader of the people,
Carrying forward the Sun's cause.
Long live, long live, General Kim Jong Il.

Most impressive! Keep up the good work!
[Original link Via The Ill Man in the comments of Konichiwa Bitches.]

[Update!! Juche Girl rocks!! Juche Girl, where are you? Please update your blog!]

Nuclear Fallout

In case anyone is interested, here's the official announcement (in English) of North Korea's apparently successful nuclear test (from the Korean Central News Agency of DPRK, Oct. 9):

DPRK Successfully Conducts Underground Nuclear Test

Pyongyang, October 9 (KCNA) -- The Korean Central News Agency released the following report: The field of scientific research in the DPRK successfully conducted an underground nuclear test under secure conditions on October 9, Juche 95 (2006) at a stirring time when all the people of the country are making a great leap forward in the building of a great prosperous powerful socialist nation.
It has been confirmed that there was no such danger as radioactive emission in the course of the nuclear test as it was carried out under a scientific consideration and careful calculation.
The nuclear test was conducted with indigenous wisdom and technology 100 percent. It marks a historic event as it greatly encouraged and pleased the KPA and people that have wished to have powerful self-reliant defence capability.
It will contribute to defending the peace and stability on the Korean Peninsula and in the area around it.

The English, as always, is bad. Regular readers of the KCNA may notice, however, a couple of interesting points about this announcement--or, rather, may notice something missing. The first thing I noticed is a complete lack of antagonism toward any of North Korea's enemies (perceived or real). It mentions "self-reliant defense capability", but rather studiously avoids naming names (the "imperialist" Americans, their Japanese "lackeys", and the "traitors" in the south, for example). There are no overt threats at all in the statement, a far cry from previous statements which have pretty much assured nuclear holocaust for anyone who dared mess with them.

Meanwhile, in the short-term at least, the clear 'loser' in this current development has to be a red-faced China, who has yet to show that it belongs on the same stage as the other major players. Talk is cheap, and that's about all China can hope to do right now. South Korea's "sunshine policy" has shown them to be bigger dupes than previous American administrations, and the current U.S. government seems to be just plain impotent when it comes to North Korea. The clear 'winner' in the short-term has to be Japan's new prime minister, Shinzo Abe, who wants to change Japan's constitution to allow for a real military presence and an expanded role on the world stage. North Korea's nuclear test has opened up a clear path for him.

Tags: North Korea : nuclear test

Kim Jong Il Communication

Sniff... How were we to know? He ain't no delinquent, he's just misunderstood...
[Via Japan Probe]



Tags: North Korea : Kim Jong Il : loneliness

News Update from the Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea

Just when I was about ready to give up on them, my buddies over at the Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea have returned with a vengeance. Yes, after months of lazy, uninspired, and --dare I say it?--almost civilized rants against Japan, the U.S. and anyone else who looks like a running-dog lackey of the imperialist hordes, my guys, yes, my guys (for I love them as surely as the sun rises in the east...) are back with a healthy dose of that good old down-on-the-rice-paddy, angst-ridden, I-don't-know-how-to-use-English-grammar-or-vocabulary-and-I-don't-give-a-fuck political invective.

So, what has got "the sun of the nation and mankind" pissed off this week? What maggoty grain of purloined rice has lodged itself 'twixt his teeth? Well, it seems that the Japanese, "bat blind philistines" the lot of them, have had enough of lobbed missiles, kidnapped citizens, imported drugs, and spying. With the support of a U.N. Security Council resolution behind them, Japan last week approved a new set of financial sanctions against North Korea.

The sanctions — called for in a U.N. Security Council resolution that denounced the July launches — ban fund transfers and overseas remittances by groups and individuals suspected of links to North Korean weapons programs.

"By taking these measures, we have demonstrated the resolve of the international community and Japan that is in line with U.N. Security Council resolution," Chief Cabinet Secretary Shinzo Abe said.

"I do not know how North Korea will respond, but I hope North Korea will accept the U.N. Security Council resolution in a sincere manner and respond to various concerns of the international community such as on their missile launches," he said.

I guess you could call North Korea's response "sincere". The Korean Central News Agency (Sept. 25-UPDATE: Sorry, this should say Sept. 26) translates for us from Rodong Sinmun:

Rodong Sinmun Monday ridicules Japan's application of "financial sanctions" against the DPRK as a farce of a jester of a circus troupe. The Japanese authorities, bereft of reason, are foolishly performing short-sighted and senseless buffoonery reminding us of a rural vendor, regarding "financial sanctions" as "a panacea," says a Rodong Sinmun commentary Monday.

[...] Dancing to other's tune, Japan is attempting to pressurize and strangle the DPRK with such "financial sanctions" to drive it somewhere. It is, however, a poor, third-rate diplomacy of bat-blind philistines.

I don't mind telling you right now that I could read this stuff forever. For me it has the essence of, oh, I don't know, Nietzsche on acid...

Japan is whipping itself into senseless frenzy to please the whim of its American master. It is acting flippantly not to fall behind the U.S. in the racket of sanctions against the DPRK. It does not warrant surprise, considering that Japan has made it its physical quality to lick the boots of the American master and tail behind the U.S. It is unseemly for Japan, styling itself "a big power," to behave like this.

Japan's noisy row of "financial sanctions" against the DPRK is a disgusting behavior of a slovenly political charlatan bent on refurbishing his public image by ingratiating himself with his American master and feathering his own nest by following the U.S.

Japan's clumsy and wicked act is a perfidy trampling upon the spirit and requirements of the DPRK-Japan Pyongyang Declaration.

You know, if I could get my Japanese university students to speak and write like this, my job would be a helluva lot more fun...

It is an utterly unreasonable sophism to describe the application of the "financial sanctions" as "a catalyzer" for "dialogue." It is a folly rendering the problem more complicated and carrying the DPRK-Japan confrontation to extremes.

It is justifiable and natural for the DPRK to put up a tough rebuff to Japan's desperate political provocation. The situation is very serious and the consequences are unpredictable. Japan would be well advised to behave with discretion, pondering over the serious consequences to be entailed by its harebrained act against the DPRK.

And there you have it. Well, Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, you've been a stranger too long. It's good to have you back and in such fine form. Until next time, farewell, my friends.

Tags: Japan : North Korea : politics : humor

Japan and Canada...

...join hands against South Korea... This kinda jumped off the page at me. According to the article, from the Bahrain News Agency, "Japan and Canada agreed on joining efforts to help halt South Korea's nuclear and missile development programme."
[This headline will probably be fixed by the time anyone reads this post, but I swear, that's what it said...]

North Korea--The Global Village Idiot

Not long after I arrived in Japan in 1998, North Korea test-fired a missile, part of which flew over Japan and landed in the Pacific Ocean. Now, according to this Reuters story (you can read about it anywhere, actually), it looks like they're getting ready to test another missile, this one more long-range capable. If the idiots in Pyongyang are true to form, this one will also likely violate Japanese airspace, not to mention all international norms of civilized behaviour. I was quite aware that North Korea was the nutjob of nations before I came here, but living next door to to the global village idiot is enough to raise anyone's level of anger and disgust.
Of course these missiles are relatively harmless without a payload, and it's fairly common knowledge that North Korea has a nuclear weapons program, if not actual possession of one or more nuclear bombs.
From 1977 to 1883 agents of the North Korean government were responsible for the abduction of many Japanese civilians. Most were abducted to teach Japanese language and culture to North Korean spies, some in order to obtain their identities.
For years North Korean spy boats have routinely violated Japanese territorial waters, for the purposes of both espionage and smuggling drugs into Japan.
North Korea can go on ranting all it wants about Japanese war atrocities and the wartime occupation/colonization by Japan, but it doesn't change the fact that Japan stopped throwing its weight around 60 years ago, while North Korea's crimes (and that's what they are) are recent and ongoing. I won't even go into what this pathetic excuse for a government does to its own people.
Given the above, and the relatively recent news that North Korea has been counterfeiting US currency in order to make a few bucks and destabilize the American/world economy, we Kyklopes are tempted to ask our American friends one simple question: what the fuck are you guys doing getting blown up in Iraq?

Daily Smile

Mmm... I wonder what my buddies over at the Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea are up to these days (from April 24)...

Ahh, apparently some South Koreans like America: "It is a disgrace and tragedy that there are such traitors within the nation who hit upon the abominable idea, after licking the boots of the aggressors, running the whole gamut of flattery."

On whether or not US sanctions against North Korea are linked to resumption of the six-party talks: "The hypocritical nature of the U.S. oft-repeated assertion has thus been fully revealed by its self-contradictory statements."

The headline says DPRK Will Never Allow U.S. to Dare Provoke It:"They are grossly mistaken if they calculate they can wrest any concession and compromise from the DPRK by whiling away the time through sanctions and pressure."

Take that, America!!: "If they ignite a new war despite our repeated warnings, the army and people of the DPRK will mobilize all potentials to wipe out them to the last one so that they may not be able to go back home safe."

All Your Base Are Belong to Us...

I'm a big fan of mangled English (some might say I'm a well-versed practitioner). I dug up the following from my archives the other day. I've lost the original link, but clearly it comes from somewhere on the wonderful site of The Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.

If Japan hastens the move to become a military power and the way of reinvasion, overheated by its ambition for militaristic overseas expansion in the new century instead of liquidating its blood-stained history of aggression on Korea and other Asian countries, it would precipitate its final destruction.

Keep up the good work boys, you'll be pounding out Shakespeare in no time.

Sometimes the Jokes Just Write Themselves

The Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea has an interesting report on a November 28 "memorandum" made public by The Committee for the Peaceful Reunification of the Fatherland and the National Reunification Institute. This document, a "comprehensive survey of the human and material damage caused by the U.S. imperialists to the south Korean people since it occupied south Korea on September 8, 1945", alleges that "[t]he total amount of human and material damage the U.S. imperialists have inflicted upon the south Korean people for nearly 60 years since their occupation of south Korea runs into 43,139,020,630,000 U.S. dollars." [Note: I assume the lower case 's' in 'south' is a convention that these organizations have adopted to make a political point.] While I can't vouch for the math, the report is fairly detailed. Some of the more interesting items:

$22,448,748,170,000 for the 2,323,000 people killed and the 6,520,000 wounded, the document claims, by the United States "right after their occupation of south Korea (September 1945-May 1950) and during the Korean war of aggression (June 1950-July 1953)."

"Hundreds of billions of dollars" for the 38,100 cultural treasures that the U.S. has "vandalized and looted".

Apparently the U.S. has "smuggled" 12 billion dollars worth of illegal drugs into south Korea, "rendering the people mentally and physically deranged."

More than a hundred billion dollars in "sexual damage" has been caused by "the U.S. imperialist aggressor troops", who have "brutally violated many south Korean women and reduced them to sexual slaves, producing hundreds of thousands of foreigners' whores and mixed-bloods." Interestingly, this figure was "calculated according to the standard of compensation to be made for the sexual slavery for the Imperial Japanese Army."

Although this report doesn't quote a single specific source, we are assured that all estimates were "based on a scientific review of various data quoted by statistical yearbooks officially released by the south Korean authorities, publications printed in south Korea and abroad, testimonies of individuals, information available from political, financial, academic, press and various other circles of south Korea and reports of the U.S., Japanese and other foreign media."

Welcome to Planet Motherfucker

While reading a discussion on North Korea (Democratic People's Republic of Korea) over at Plastic, I came across a fascinating story by a couple of guys who took a trip there. Aside from being a great story, there are also a lot of incredible pictures. It's a fairly large site, so grab a coffee (or beer) before reading. The link was posted by Lothar.