Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Funniest (and Truest) Thing I've Read Today

On the (ahem) alleged holy sanctity of the sacred sanctified holy sexual union sanctified by the holiest of holies in the sacred sanctity of holy matrimony:
Look, I like sex too, but I don’t have to light votive candles and blast the Gregorian Chant No. 5 to get in the mood. Not every coupling of sex organs is a sacred duty, or some solemn ritual conducted on a stone altar beneath a full moon in a torch-lit grove, while surrounded by a ring of chanting druids. Sometimes it’s just for kicks. Even when you’re married.

--Scott, World O' Crap

Amen to that, Brother. The "ring of chanting druids" part sounds like a kick, though...

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

"Gay Bomb": Funny, Stupid, Offensive, or All of the Above?

This caught my attention while idly perusing the web today [Via: CathiefromCanada]:

A Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.

Leaving aside the sheer stupidity of it all for a moment, I wonder who they would trust with this "football"?

Friday, June 08, 2007

Air Sex: It Just Won't Go Away

First there was Air Sex: The Story. Then there was Air Sex: The Video. Now we have Air Sex in America [link via Japan Probe].

Believe me, folks, it's only an ingrained journalistic imperative to "follow through" on a story that keeps me posting about this stupidity. Well, that and the inevitable page hits...

Monday, April 09, 2007

"Air Sex" Update: Video!!

Last September, to the amazement (and perhaps disgust) of my readers, I posted this story about a new "virtual sport" in Japan, air sex. Well, now there's a video to go with the story (are you there, Chez?).

Really, this is pretty stupid. I had to watch this video because, well, it's my job to be "up" on this kind of thing. If you're not really interested in watching a bunch of guys pretending to have sex with imaginary women, I wouldn't recommend watching the video.

Note: Although there's nothing pornographic or X-rated in this video, it's very possible that it's NOT SAFE FOR WORK, if only because you may not want to be observed watching something as embarrassingly ridiculous as this. If you do decide to watch it, there's an amusing and to-the-point comment made by a female observer near the end of the video.



Please remember, I'm only the messenger!!

[Video from the TV show Japanorama, via Japan Probe.]

Monday, April 02, 2007

From the Stupid Department...

... another story from Korea's Chosun Ilbo. In this one, titled Vicky Says 'No!' to Export of Nude Photos to Japan, we learn that "[p]op star Vicky has refused to allow her nude photos to be exported to Japan."

I guess this "Vicky" is pretty famous in Korea and elsewhere (including Japan), because apparently thousands of people are willing to pay to see her naked. And, as the article informs us, Vicky is quite happy to oblige those in "China, Taiwan, the Philippines, Vietnam and other places" who have the cash in (one) hand. Contrary to appearances, however, Vicky has some standards of decency and there are some things she just won't do. She tells us
No matter how much I needed money, I wouldn't want my nude photos sent to Japan.

The producers of her nude photos have also taken a principled stand:
If we thought of just profits, we world [sic] try to convince Vicky to export her photos to Japan, but we want to want to [sic] respect her opposition.


I can't help but think, somewhat sarcastically, why would anyone in Japan want to gape at some Korean skank?* That's just stupid...

(*Yeah, I know, I'm going to hell for that. I just couldn't resist.)

[UPDATE: Thanks to James for pointing out what I should have noticed before running my mouth off: this article is from 2004. It was linked from the site's front page and I never bothered checking, etc... Doohh!!]

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Cigarette?

Apparently, just as I've completed my 7th smoke-free week, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has launched an "anti-smoking wonder pill". Pfizer is the same company that developed Viagra (er, so I've just read). I wonder if anyone is taking both medications...? Surely you can see the joke potential here. Umm, assuming that you've ever smoked and..., oh, never mind...

Friday, October 20, 2006

Dream Love Chair

The apparatus pictured on the right is the "Dream Love Chair", and is being billed as the "new erotic sensation" (the preceding links should satisfy the visually curious).

There's a story about the Dream Love Chair in this week's WaiWai section of the Mainichi Daily News, which informs us that the chairs are becoming a hot item in Japan's love hotels. According to the article, the Dream Love Chair was designed by a South Korean robotics professor who "enlisted the aid of over 100 couples" to develop the chair through "a process of trial and error." (Read on, and you'll get an idea of what might have been involved in this "process of trial and error".)

Switching on the machine prompts the man's chair to move backward and forward, while the woman's slowly rotates. The machine has a five-gear speed system, with the fastest promising five thrusts per second. There's also a pause button to allow time to consider what's taking place.

Hmm... sometimes I think these stories should have a "pause button" to allow time to consider what I've just read...

Women's seats on the Dream Love Chair have even more functions. They can rotate in either direction at a whopping 10 different speeds! And the seat also vibrates -- at two adjustable speeds!

I'm trying to imagine this... five thrusts per second while the woman is rotating in different directions at variable speeds... Hell probably has amusement parks like this...

What's more, the machine is up to date when it comes to politically correct relations between the sexes, with the controls for the man's chair placed on a panel built into the woman's seat, meaning that she controls the pace and actions to a level suitable to her.

... and she has the remote control? What kind of sick, twisted, masochistic idiot would subject himself to such horror?
But the main effect, [...] is that the machine basically does all the moving for the couple, taking the drudgery out of grinding the pelvis.

Taking the drudgery out of grinding the pelvis? The drudgery? You know, there's a reason why the birth rate in Japan is in decline...

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Friday, September 22, 2006

Air Sex

This was simply too stupid for me to pass up:

A Japanese man recently won the World Air Guitar Championship in Finland. Less publicized, however, is the fact that Japan has another champion in, um, another "virtual" sport--air sex. According to this story in the WaiWai section (English translations of articles from some of Japan's less 'reputable' magazines) of the Mainichi Daily News, "air sex requires players to simulate sauciness as though with a partner, but actually while alone."
"Air sex was originally invented by guys who couldn't get girlfriends, but desperately want to have sex," J-Taro Sugisaku, the self-professed creator of air sex, tells Weekly Playboy.

Sugisaku discusses some the 'dangers' of air sex:
"You must be warned, though, air sex can be very dangerous," Sugisaku says. "Normally what happens with a display is that you perform the same way you normally would when having sex. I've seen guys who put on air sex shows that clearly display they're still virgins. I've also seen other guys perform such incredibly authentic fake fellatio that nobody has been left in any doubt that they could only be bisexual. Let me reiterate: Air sex can be dangerous."

Hmmm... The reigning air sex champion, who calls himself Cobra, informs us that "successful air sex... involves more than just blowing," and gives some insight into the mental preparation required to be a successful air sex... participant:
"On the day that I reached the top, the day I became world champion, I was thinking of my girlfriend. No, my ex-girlfriend. She'd just dumped me two days before the contest," Cobra tells Weekly Playboy. "The air sex display I put on that day was, in my mind at least, supposed to be the farewell fling I really wanted to have with my girlfriend. It was the best possible condition I could have been in going into the competition."

Now close your eyes and imagine this:
Cobra then proceeds to put on an 8 1/2-minute display of air sex for the weekly, with moves including ear nibbling, sphincter licking, attaching a condom while kissing, ejaculation and afterglow. Cobra says that the knack of bogus bonking lies in openness.

If you're still here, Cobra has some advice for aspiring air sex 'artists':
"You can't care about what women watching your performance are thinking about you. When you get down to air sex, you've got to immerse yourself in the air sex world," Cobra says. "Air sex can't be performed in half-measures. If it is, you're only asking for trouble."

Sugisaku concurs, explaining that "if you get nervous, air sex is impossible. A good start is understanding your own sexual habits and going on from there." Truly words to live by...

UPDATE: In a classic case of 'I wish I'd thought o' that', Eli at Multi Medium asks, "... do they achieve airgasm?"

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Friday, June 23, 2006

From the Department of the Obvious

In an article in the Japan times talking about the apparent lack of sex in Japan resulting in a declining birth rate, a Japanese researcher says that it's "important for men to have sexual relationships." About half of the world may be stunned by this news... The other half have known it all along...

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Blue Sky

The lovely young woman on the left is none other than (following Japanese name forms) Aoi Sora (link NSFW), which means "Blue Sky". She's a popular "AV idol" (Adult Video star) here in Japan. She's starred in such films as Let's Go Blue in the Sky, Virgin Sky, 50/50, Sexy Fruit and Soap Heaven, to name but a few.
So why am talking about Aoi Sora and posting her picture here? Is it a cheap ploy to suck traffic in to my boring blog? Do I harbor some secret dream to be a porn king? Hell, yeah! But I digress...
In my classes today I asked my students (working in groups) to write down any words or phrases they associated with the term "the sky". (Note to the ESL/EFL uninitiated: Damned if I know whether or not this type of activity is of any use to the students, but it usually gives me an idea of what they do or don't know. We've been reading articles this month with weather-related content... please don't ask...). As the students were doing the activity I was walking around the room checking what they'd written, offering suggestions, getting clarifications, etc. Most everyone had written words commonly associated with "the sky"--clouds, rain, stars, UFOs, and the like. In one of my classes today, however, there was a group of four guys I noticed chuckling and whispering to each other, like they had some funny secret. There are no rules against having fun in my classes, and they were busy writing stuff down, so I didn't pay them much mind. Eventually I made my way over to them and took a look at what they had written. Pretty much the same as everyone else, but the first item on their paper was the phrase "Aoi Sora"...
Now, as fate would have it, and totally unbeknownst to my students, I know who Aoi Sora is. Yes, I admit it, I have gazed upon Japanese (and countless other types of) porn. Further, I have sought it out on the web. I suppose there are a few (straight) guys out there who don't like to look at pictures of naked women, but I'm not one of them. I can only imagine what goes on in their sick, twisted minds. The only creature lower on the evolutionary scale would be someone who likes to look at beautiful, naked women, but denies doing it (liars are worse than retards, although they probably live longer, proving irrevocably that evolution isn't always fair or sensible).
Anyway, playing dumb, I look at what these guys have written and say, "This is Japanese, what does it mean?" "Blue Sky", one of them says, with darting glances at, and shared smirks with, his partners. I ask, "Is she the most popular AV idol in Japan?" Their jaws drop. After some hushed consultation another one answers, "well, she's one of the most popular." Not willing to pass up the opportunity, I say, "ok, make me a list, will you?"
They did. They gave it to me after class, and lingered a bit to chat. It may sound strange, but this is how to teach English in Japan.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to check out this list...