Friday, September 22, 2006

Air Sex

This was simply too stupid for me to pass up:

A Japanese man recently won the World Air Guitar Championship in Finland. Less publicized, however, is the fact that Japan has another champion in, um, another "virtual" sport--air sex. According to this story in the WaiWai section (English translations of articles from some of Japan's less 'reputable' magazines) of the Mainichi Daily News, "air sex requires players to simulate sauciness as though with a partner, but actually while alone."
"Air sex was originally invented by guys who couldn't get girlfriends, but desperately want to have sex," J-Taro Sugisaku, the self-professed creator of air sex, tells Weekly Playboy.

Sugisaku discusses some the 'dangers' of air sex:
"You must be warned, though, air sex can be very dangerous," Sugisaku says. "Normally what happens with a display is that you perform the same way you normally would when having sex. I've seen guys who put on air sex shows that clearly display they're still virgins. I've also seen other guys perform such incredibly authentic fake fellatio that nobody has been left in any doubt that they could only be bisexual. Let me reiterate: Air sex can be dangerous."

Hmmm... The reigning air sex champion, who calls himself Cobra, informs us that "successful air sex... involves more than just blowing," and gives some insight into the mental preparation required to be a successful air sex... participant:
"On the day that I reached the top, the day I became world champion, I was thinking of my girlfriend. No, my ex-girlfriend. She'd just dumped me two days before the contest," Cobra tells Weekly Playboy. "The air sex display I put on that day was, in my mind at least, supposed to be the farewell fling I really wanted to have with my girlfriend. It was the best possible condition I could have been in going into the competition."

Now close your eyes and imagine this:
Cobra then proceeds to put on an 8 1/2-minute display of air sex for the weekly, with moves including ear nibbling, sphincter licking, attaching a condom while kissing, ejaculation and afterglow. Cobra says that the knack of bogus bonking lies in openness.

If you're still here, Cobra has some advice for aspiring air sex 'artists':
"You can't care about what women watching your performance are thinking about you. When you get down to air sex, you've got to immerse yourself in the air sex world," Cobra says. "Air sex can't be performed in half-measures. If it is, you're only asking for trouble."

Sugisaku concurs, explaining that "if you get nervous, air sex is impossible. A good start is understanding your own sexual habits and going on from there." Truly words to live by...

UPDATE: In a classic case of 'I wish I'd thought o' that', Eli at Multi Medium asks, "... do they achieve airgasm?"

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  1. That's an ace story... I will obviously now have to trawl Youtube to see if there's a video of it!

  2. Good God, man, you don't actually want to watch it?

  3. If I know Chez, not only will he watch it, he'll learn it to perfection and eventually become known throughout the honeyz of Dorset (where he lives) as an expert practitioner.

  4. Salamaat,


    nuff said.

  5. Thank you Mikey, but I don't think I'll take it up... I have to say, that would be the quickest path to suicide I know. I can't think of any other way that would make you realise just how empty your life is! I also don't think it would impress the honeyz...

    "This is what it's going to be like, watch..."

    I really don't want to know what I look like during sex. I certainly don't want to know what I look like having sex on my own. On account of the fact that if I did, I'd probably never want to do it again.

    I just have a morbid curiosity as to what these saddoes look like... I think it would actually be hilarious to watch. I am assuming they also have to fake an orgasm at the end?

    I wonder if they have commentators? "ah yes, a textbook example of rimming there, the judges will like that, Barry"

    And 70s wah-wah guitar music in the background? All these questions remain unanswered.

    This is the kind of sport that should be on the telly.

  6. We have delved deep into the world of the truly horrifying. Back to the part of your story everyone forgot - 2nd place in air guitar was an Australian!

  7. Maliha: Haha! Actually I found this story more stupid and pathetic than I did disgusting, but as the lone woman to comment I will take your view as representative!

    Mikey and Chez: A bit of dry, old-school British football-style commentary, as Chez suggests, would make for a truly macabre bit of Pythonesque viewing.

    Mr. Angry: Perhaps future air sex competitions could be done to the accompaniment of some shit-kicking air guitar...

  8. Now wouldn't that be surreal? Air sex, with an air guitar 'wah-wah' playing in the background...

    Can you imagine air porn? Where a man goes round an imaginary woman's house: "I'm here to fix your washing machine..."

    One last question... do women enter as well?

  9. One last question... do women enter as well?

    They could do, like, *synchronized* air sex with each other, on opposite ends of the stage.

  10. Absolutely brilliant, and certainly no more stupid than synchronized swimming!

  11. Chez - do women enter? Only with an imaginary strap-on...

  12. Women don't need a strap-on, imaginary or not, to simulate sex. You of all people should know that... (hehe!)

    But synchronized air sex... Wow. Anyone got Seb Coe's phone number? This should be in the Olympics.