Thursday, August 10, 2006

Go and sin no more...

Whether you're religious or not, whether you have kids or not, you will probably be amused (and you may even laugh out loud) when you read Old Testament Parenting: 'Lamentations of the Father'. Some excerpts:
Laws When at Table

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that,that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert

But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.

On Screaming

[...] if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet shall not surely die.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances

Bite not, lest you be also bitten again. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.

[Hat tip: God of the Machine; via: Volokh Conspiracy]

[Addendum: My daughter has been free of her father's "lamentations" these past two weeks because she's been away at her grandparents' place having the time of her life playing with her cousin (whom she has a huge crush on--she's not quite 4, he's 9 and has the patience of Job...). I realized while chuckling over this piece that I was actually laughing at myself...]


  1. Salamaat,
    OMG that's SO Hilarious!!!

    I gotta go check out the full version..hahaha...thanx i needed to read that:) too funny:)

    Funniest line: "And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass."

  2. Maliha, I liked that line too, but I think mt favorite was "For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet shall not surely die." The writer did a very good job on this--both for the biblical tone and for capturing the frustrations of fathers everywhere (maybe mothers too...?)

  3. Very funny. This must be what people mean when they advise raising kids according to Biblical principles. My kids are big drinkers of bath water; I need to start smiting them, I guess.