I Can't Help It, Stuff Just Comes Out of My Mouth

The circumstances surrounding the incident are irrelevant, but today during one of my classes a student asked me how to spell the word "divorce." As an English teacher and would-be cultural emissary, and as an idiot who could never resist a "straight" line, I did what comes naturally to me. Older readers have probably already guessed what I did. As for the rest of you, do I have to spell it out?


During the ensuing awkward silence I was consoled by the fact that this particular group of students will never lose a spelling bee on the word "divorce." That's the kind of effect I have on students...

Unrelated Segments

This morning I asked my 5-year-old what she wanted to do today. She told me that she wanted to go to the park. When I explained that we couldn't go to the park because it was raining she paused for a moment to think about it, shrugged, and calmly said "fuck it." My wife, naturally enough, was not amused. As I sputtered plausible denials from behind a mask of fatherly concern, I reflected on my daughter's quite impressive sense of timing (awkward for me though it was) and her natural-sounding pronunciation and intonation. I guess it's just the "teacher" in me.

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I think I've found the "perfect" death metal tune. Whether or not it's actually "good" remains an open question. It really gets going at about the 43 second mark. Bonus points if you can pick out a single word in any known language from the "vocals.".
Kronos-Submission

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I stumbled across this oddity in my music archives the other day, from a movie trailer (or possibly a radio ad) for Another Day, Another man (1966): "Possessed with sex, they know no shame!" I'd pay just to hear the music for this one!
Another Day, Another Man
And check out the poster (click to enlarge)! They just don't make 'em like this any more.

A Simple Pleasure

Last night my daughter asked me how to say hana kuso (lit. "nose dung/excrement") in English. "Booger," I told her. You can imagine my fatherly pleasure to hear her say this wonderful English word for the first time. Later I could hardly hold back my joyful tears as she asked my wife if there were any boogers in her nose. Life is good...

Taking It on the Chin(chin)...

Sigh... just when I start to think that things are going smoothly and I'm beginning to "fit in" around here, I go and put my foot into it yet again. Last night after I returned home from work my wife pulled me away from talking to our daughter to inform me, somewhat sternly, that I have, yet again, caused an uproar at our daughter's kindergarten. Before I explain, perhaps some brief background is in order for those unfamiliar with daily life in Japan...

Readers might be familiar with the fact that the Japanese are not as hung-up on the body and bodily functions as North Americans (and perhaps English-speaking people generally) often appear to be. I think one reason for this (maybe the main reason?) is that, from the time they are born through to the end of elementary school, boys and girls in Japan share the same changing rooms and, in kindergarten at least, the same washrooms. (I know that elementary school kids change their clothes together, but I'm not sure if they use the same washrooms.) These kids typically are not "ashamed" of their bodies and the things their bodies do because they've seen it all and have learned at an early age that there's nothing to be ashamed of.

Related to the above, it's also customary in Japan for immediate family members to share a bath, and there's nothing unusual about a mother being in the bath with her young son, or a father with his young daughter. In fact, in our household it's generally my "job" to give my daughter her evening bath, so we share the tub together. (Yes, my 4-year-old daughter has seen me "naked". Hundreds of times. If anyone is shocked by this then I respectfully suggest that that's their problem.)

Anyway, it should be clear from what I've already written that my daughter knows the difference between a boy and a girl (well, she knows the physical difference). And, like most Japanese kids, she also has a pretty rich vocabulary for describing those differences. She knows, for example, what "chinchin" (ちんちん) means. In Japanese "chinchin" means "penis". A few nights ago, while we were in the bath, she asked me how to say "chinchin" in English. I was reluctant at first to tell her, but then, in a chain of perfectly logical but fatally flawed reasoning, decided that since she already knew what a "penis" was and knew how to say it in Japanese, there could be no harm in telling her how to say it in English. "Penis," I said. "Penis," she repeated and, apparently satisfied, she nodded her head and seemed to forget about it...

Back to last night, my wife, looking somewhat exasperated, pulled me aside and asked me if I had taught our daughter how to say "chinchin" in English. Suddenly I felt all cold and sweaty. In the realm of possible questions a man might be asked by his wife, this was one question I had never considered, one combination of words that had never occurred to me. Without yet knowing how or why, I knew with dread certainty that I was guilty, trapped, doomed. I made blubbering noises as my mind frantically tried to figure out what had happened, what had gone wrong. Finally, feebly (having drawn a blank), I said that yes, I had told our daughter the English word for "chinchin"...

According to my wife, who heard it from my daughter's kindergarten teacher, yesterday while my daughter and the other kids were changing into their swimsuits, my daughter pointed at one of the boys' "chinchin" and said "Penis! In English "chinchin" is penis!" This new word spread like wildfire among the children, and apparently the boys (being, after all, boys) were especially taken with this new word. "Chinchin is penis!" "Hey! I have a penis!" "This is a penis!" "I pee with my penis!" What a scene it must have been! As my wife was telling the tale I was trying to keep a straight face (and I was certain that I caught a fleeting, quickly-stifled smile on her face too). My wife finished with an admonishment to be more careful about the words I teach our daughter.

"But really, dear, what's the big deal? What's the harm?"

"What's the big deal!?"

"Yeah, the whole thing sounds kinda cute and funny to me."

"Oh really? Tell me, do you have classes next Wednesday?"

"What? No, you know classes finish this week. Why?"

"Next Wednesday is parents day. It's in the morning, so it's mostly just the kids' mothers because the fathers are at work."

"Umm... yeah?"

"I have to work next Wednesday. You don't. You're going. Have fun..."

Blah Blah Blah

Here's a fun game I play with my EFL students. It's called "blah blah blah" and the rules are really simple. First, pick a famous person. Any famous person will do, but don't tell anyone who you've picked! The trick is to get others to guess who your famous person is without actually speaking any English! Well, maybe a few words. All you have to do is say "blah blah blah" over and over while inserting occasional "key words" that serve as clues for other participants to guess who your famous person is. Sound confusing? Naahhh. Look at the following example:

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah freedom. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah justice blah blah blah blah blah justice. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah justice blah blah blah blah justice blah justice blah blah justice blah blah freedom. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah evil-doers blah blah blah blah justice blah blah blah freedom freedom freedom justice justice justice. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah leadership blah blah blah God blah blah blah blah blah blah leadership. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah enemies of freedom blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah freedom. Blah blah blah blah blah terror blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah terrorists blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah terrorists blah blah blah blah Islam blah blah blah Muslim blah blah blah blah blah blah kill Christians and Jews blah blah kill all Americans blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Islamic blah blah blah blah blah blah extremism blah blah blah Muslim blah blah blah blah. Blah blah freedom blah blah blah blah blah blah hate freedom blah blah blah blah justice blah blah blah freedom blah blah God blah blah blah. Freedom blah blah blah justice blah blah blah freedom blah blah blah justice blah blah blah freedom blah blah blah evil blah blah blah blah freedom blah blah blah blah blah justice.

Wasn't that fun? Did you guess who it was? Well, my students here in Japan typically guess my "famous person" after two or three lines, and they don't know any English. How did you do?

The 'Audio-Lingual' Method: Survival English

I think the video below is meant as a parody, but it's so close to the reality of teaching English at many conversation schools here in Japan (and elsewhere) that I can't really be sure. It actually looks like a lot of 'learn English' TV shows I've seen here.
[Courtesy Harry at Chase Me, Ladies; (via Dog Bones)]



Yes, in many places that would constitute an English lesson: 'useful' expressions, 'realistic' situataions, singing, dancing...

Blue Sky

The lovely young woman on the left is none other than (following Japanese name forms) Aoi Sora (link NSFW), which means "Blue Sky". She's a popular "AV idol" (Adult Video star) here in Japan. She's starred in such films as Let's Go Blue in the Sky, Virgin Sky, 50/50, Sexy Fruit and Soap Heaven, to name but a few.
So why am talking about Aoi Sora and posting her picture here? Is it a cheap ploy to suck traffic in to my boring blog? Do I harbor some secret dream to be a porn king? Hell, yeah! But I digress...
In my classes today I asked my students (working in groups) to write down any words or phrases they associated with the term "the sky". (Note to the ESL/EFL uninitiated: Damned if I know whether or not this type of activity is of any use to the students, but it usually gives me an idea of what they do or don't know. We've been reading articles this month with weather-related content... please don't ask...). As the students were doing the activity I was walking around the room checking what they'd written, offering suggestions, getting clarifications, etc. Most everyone had written words commonly associated with "the sky"--clouds, rain, stars, UFOs, and the like. In one of my classes today, however, there was a group of four guys I noticed chuckling and whispering to each other, like they had some funny secret. There are no rules against having fun in my classes, and they were busy writing stuff down, so I didn't pay them much mind. Eventually I made my way over to them and took a look at what they had written. Pretty much the same as everyone else, but the first item on their paper was the phrase "Aoi Sora"...
Now, as fate would have it, and totally unbeknownst to my students, I know who Aoi Sora is. Yes, I admit it, I have gazed upon Japanese (and countless other types of) porn. Further, I have sought it out on the web. I suppose there are a few (straight) guys out there who don't like to look at pictures of naked women, but I'm not one of them. I can only imagine what goes on in their sick, twisted minds. The only creature lower on the evolutionary scale would be someone who likes to look at beautiful, naked women, but denies doing it (liars are worse than retards, although they probably live longer, proving irrevocably that evolution isn't always fair or sensible).
Anyway, playing dumb, I look at what these guys have written and say, "This is Japanese, what does it mean?" "Blue Sky", one of them says, with darting glances at, and shared smirks with, his partners. I ask, "Is she the most popular AV idol in Japan?" Their jaws drop. After some hushed consultation another one answers, "well, she's one of the most popular." Not willing to pass up the opportunity, I say, "ok, make me a list, will you?"
They did. They gave it to me after class, and lingered a bit to chat. It may sound strange, but this is how to teach English in Japan.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to check out this list...