The Cheese. It Burns!

While I don't think I'm a particularly graceful guy in my daily physical movements, I do pride myself a bit on not being a klutz. I'm rarely the guy who knocks over drinks, steps on peoples' feet, that sort of thing. On the rare occasion, however, when events (or my own stupidity) conspire against me, the results can sometimes be spectacular or disastrous (or both).

A few days ago I woke up hungry. I don't usually eat breakfast (coffee and smokes for me, thanks!), but on this day I decided I needed something to eat. I should probably be honest and say that my hunger was probably connected to the massive hangover I was... experiencing. Like most guys (I believe), I have a few "instant sustenance" recipes that have always served me well in situations of I-must-eat-now.

On this day I decided to put a slice of cheese on a piece of bread and throw it into the toaster oven. While this was toasting away I made instant coffee. (Hey, do you want to wake the fuck up, or do you want to "savor the flavor"? Go savor the fucking flavor at Starbucks, elitist scum!) Very conveniently (ahem), my coffee and melted cheese toast were ready to go at the same time. I carried them into my work room to eat and drink while checking e-mail and stuff.

Now, I'm not really sure how this happened, but as I was sitting down to the computer the toast with the melted cheese somehow started slipping off the plate it was on. I'm hungover, I'm in the process of a) sitting down, b) setting a cup of coffee on my desk, and c) trying to get this damned bread that's about to fall on the floor under control. If I'd simply let the toast fall to the floor, things would have been OK. But I was fucking hungry...

I made a kind of flipping motion with the plate (my undoing), hoping to catch the bread in mid-flight. All this accomplished was me flipping the toast so that now it was cheese-side down. My ass landed in my chair at the same instant as the now-upside-down melted cheese toast landed on my knee. My summertime-short-pants-wearing knee. The next one or two seconds were very educational...

The bread almost instantly fell to the floor. I observed, however, first with interest, and then with horror, that the cheese was stuck to my knee. It was fucking hot! And it was burning my knee! My knee was on fucking fire! I started to scrape the cheese off my knee. Small parts of my knee were coming off with it. "What the fuck," I thought, "this can't be happening!" It was happening. It did happen. And it fucking hurt.

I'd post pictures, but I don't want to gross anyone out. I haven't gone to a hospital because of the relatively small area of the burn (and I checked on the web: looks like a second-degree burn). The knee is a shitty place for a burn. It's reminded me of how often I actually bend my knee. Let this be a lesson: avoid melted cheese when you have a hangover.