You keep using that word...

... I do not think it means what you think it means.

Maybe it's time for English-speaking media pundits to stop using the word kabuki.

Grammarian, Heal Thyself

An overdue comeuppance...

From Strunk & White's The Elements of Style:

The subject of a sentence and the principal verb should not, as a rule, be separated by a phrase or clause that can be transferred to the beginning.

As if an over-abundance of unintentionally ironic and generally useless advice weren't enough, there's the just plain incompetent grammar. Witness the following alleged examples of the passive voice:

• There were a great number of dead leaves lying on the ground.
• It was not long before she was very sorry that she had said what she had.
• The reason that he left college was that his health became impaired.

I'd write more about this awful little book, but I generally make my worst grammar mistakes in the context of criticizing the grammar of others. Believe me, I'm talking real stinkers. I'd like to quit while I'm ahead. If anyone needs a stylebook, though, I'd recommend Hodges' Harbrace Handbook.

Unrelated Segments

On the boardwalk: An interesting post by a Canadian guy covering Canadian troops in Kandahar, Afghanistan. "The boardwalk at KAF [I guess Kandahar Air Field--K] is just about the worst strip-mall you've ever seen." Strangely, reading this got me feeling homesick for Canada.

As a personal aside, I happen to believe that going to Afghanistan was the correct thing to do. It made sense to me, if only for the simple fact that, viewed realistically, somebody was going to get their asses kicked for 9/11. And if you're going to kick someone in the ass, well, it's probably best to kick the right ass. Al-Qaeda was/is in Afghanistan. Right ass, right war. Iraq, on the other hand...

As a Canadian I feel it was the right thing to do for us to support the US in Afghanistan. I think President Obama is entirely justified in reasoning that it's time to re-focus American military efforts. I hope, in this instance, that the Canadian government will follow his lead.

(Although it's generally true that I have an easier time associating with more left-leaning views, I refuse to allow myself to be pigeonholed. My father was in the Canadian Army, and he served with UN forces in Korea and Cyprus. He was a good, decent man, and he taught me more than a few things about the world. Sometimes fighting is the right thing to do.)

[Link via: Daimnation!]

--------------------

Moving on to less serious stuff...

The other night I watched the movie The Number 23 on TV. It was the stupidest piece of shit I've seen in a while. (The preceding two sentences, by the way, are to be considered the official Kyklops "review" of that movie.)

--------------------

Playing The Beatles Backwards: The Ultimate Countdown: The writer has taken every Beatles tune, rather astutely reviewed all 185 of them, and then ranked them. I (or you) might disagree with some of the rankings but it's still a rather impressive bit of work.

[Via: Cynical-C]

--------------------

Some people just don't know how to use the Google. I mean really, if you're arriving at this site looking for English meanings for Japanese words (or vice versa), maybe you need a couple of lessons in an IT class or something.

In the interests of promoting international understanding (or some other equally stupid, vague sentiment), I thought I might write down a few of the more common Japanese words/phrases that have, through the wonders of Google, brought people from all over the world to this humble blog. You'll likely be bored by this list, but amazed that someone actually made it this far in their quest to find out how the Japanese say "penis." Without further ado, ten Japanese words/phrases and/or their English equivalents (in no particular order, because I'm like, just doing this from memory, dig?) that have brought inept users of Google to this site:

konnichiwa: "good day"
kombanwa: "good evening"
chinchin: "penis"
hajimemashite: "nice to meet you"
yoroshiku onegaishimasu: "you have no idea who the hell I am, but please be nice to me all the same" (generally follows hajimemashite)
gambatte: "do your best; try your hardest; break a leg; give 'em hell; etc." (basically whatever hackneyed phrase you personally would use in situations which should be clear from the preceding)
kanada: "Canada"
ohaiyo gozaimasu: "good morning"
hai: "yes" ("that's right" is probably more accurate)
o yasumi nasai: "good night"

I hope that wasn't as boring to read as it was to write...

Travel Tips

Context is everything, so there's nothing served by getting yourself all worked up about not understanding a foreign language. I mean, really, what the hell do you think the waitress who's just come up to your table is saying? Jeesh.

She Doesn't Understand English

My grasp of the Japanese language is, to put it somewhat charitably, shit. Sure, I can get by pretty well in most daily situations--shopping, eating out, stuff like that, but as soon as I'm required to comment on something of substance, or express a nuanced opinion (i.e. something a bit beyond, say, "yes, I like sushi!" or "no, I don't like natto!"), it's like walking into a brick wall. Fortunately for me most Japanese that I meet sense this, and very gracefully avoid putting me in a position where I might embarrass myself. Sometimes though, circumstance (or my own stupidity) forces me into a position where I'm required to speak Japanese at a level far beyond my abilities.

For example, if someone were to ask me, in Japanese, about the financial bailout currently being debated in the US, I might be lucky enough to catch a key phrase or two, allowing me at least to have a vague idea about what exactly it is that I'm expected to expound upon. Assuming I'm that lucky (and it's a big assumption), my strategy then is to resort to a type of linguistic flailing: I spout as many terms and phrases as might pop into my head that are in any way related to the topic at hand, in the (usually vain) hope that I will hit upon the desired/expected response.

I had planned to make up an imaginary dialogue to give you, gentle reader, an idea of what I'm talking about. But then I stumbled upon a video excerpt from a recent interview Katie Couric conducted with American vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Here is a concrete example of what it is like to speak about difficult topics in an unfamiliar language:

COURIC: Why isn’t it better, Governor Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families who are struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries? Allow them to spend more, and put more money into the economy, instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?

PALIN: That’s why I say I, like every American I’m speaking with, we're ill about this position that we have been put in. Where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy. Um, helping, oh, it’s got to be about job creation, too. Shoring up our economy, and getting it back on the right track. So health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions, and tax relief for Americans, and trade — we have got to see trade as opportunity, not as, uh, competitive, um, scary thing, but one in five jobs created in the trade sector today. We’ve got to look at that as more opportunity. All of those things under the umbrella of job creation.

Sarah Palin clearly does not understand English.

[Dialogue via Sadly, No!]

[UPDATE: URL (above) for "natto" fixed, courtesy natto nitpicking Brendan.]

Orwell or a Sociologist: Who Would You Rather Have a Beer With?

Moving right along, we have this article in The Telegraph, which informs us of a list of words and phrases that the British Sociological Association would like to see banned by universities and publishers. Frankly, after reading some of the "objectionable" words and phrases, the only thing I'd like to see banned by universities and publishers is sociologists...

First up, "Old Masters" (which, as the article points out, "has been used for centuries to refer to great painters - almost all of whom were in fact male") is to be replaced with "classic artists." This is clearly over-compensatory (and extremely vague). My recommendation: if the artist was a woman, then she's an "Old Mistress." There's nothing ambiguous about that!

The sociologists would also like to ban the word "brainstorm" because it may be offensive to epileptics. I'd be quite happy to concede this one; not because I find it offensive to epileptics, but because I find the whole notion of "brainstorming" to be stupid and a waste of time. "Shitstorm" would be a more appropriate descriptor.

Now two of my favorites: "seminal" and "disseminate" are to be avoided "because they are derived from the word semen and supposedly imply a male-dominated view of the world." Well, what are we to do here? Clearly if we replace these with "oval" (or "ovular") and "ovulate" confusion will reign: "Layla, long considered one of Clapton's ovular works..."; "We need this information ovulated right away..." Whatever.

Sometimes, folks, the words we have are perfectly descriptive. If someone wants to be stupid enough to describe a woman's work as "seminal" well, there's no accounting for idiots. What the fuck is the point of attending a university if it isn't to learn simple things like this, anyway? A well-read, well-educated person has no problem making these distinctions, and has no problem modulating his (or her) speech and/or writing to suit the context. What I see happening is a sort of laziness on the part of educators. Ban this, ban that. Then I don't have to worry about it. Hail, NewSpeak!

Here's one more: "Able-bodied person" should be replaced with "non-disabled person." If the British Sociological Association is serious about this, then they're a bunch of fucking retards...

Duckspeak

Anytime I read about politics or religion these days, I'm reminded of this passage in Orwell's 1984 (Chapter 5):

'There is a word in Newspeak,' said Syme, 'I don't know whether you know it: duckspeak, to quack like a duck. It is one of those interesting words that have two contradictory meanings. Applied to an opponent, it is abuse, applied to someone you agree with, it is praise.'

What's This About "Aboot"?

In response to my desperate plea for writing suggestions, my blogging friend Tafkass (The Artist Formerly Known as Shit Sandwich, whose site seems to be experiencing intermittent technical difficulties this week) wrote the following:

How about a guide to Canadian pronunciation of English? OK, we all know about "aboot" (as it were), but there must be other Canuck idiosyncracies[*]... in fact, how about a guide to Canadio-Japanese pronunciation of English; your own must have been affected in your time in the land of the rising sun. Even better, how about some Canadian swearing?

Whew! Writing a "guide to Canadian pronunciation" would be a life-long task! Wikipedia has a pretty clear and concise entry on the topic of Canadian English which includes most of the main points regarding pronunciation. Some highlights:

• Canadians do not, in fact, pronounce the word "about" as "aboot", although because of the phenomenon known as Canadian raising, it may seem that way to some listeners. A closer approximation would be "aboat", but this is hardly universal.
• Canadians speak with a rhotic accent. That is, the letter "r" is pronounced in all positions. (My guess, Tafkass, Is that you speak with a non-rhotic accent, but I'm not sure where in the UK you were born and raised.)
• Personally, I can usually spot a fellow Canadian by his/her various pronunciations of the letter "a". The clearest examples would be in the pronunciation of foreign loan words like "drama" or "pasta" or "pyjamas", which is clearly neither British nor American (/æ/ rather than /ɑ/).
• As the Wikipedia article points out, "there is no single linguistic definition that includes Canada as a whole." And while "Canada has very little dialect diversity compared to the United States and other English speaking countries," it does have a wide range of accents, particularly in the eastern provinces, which have been influenced by the languages of early settlers. If you visit the various parts of my home province, Nova Scotia, for example, you will clearly hear traces of German (Lunenburg), Dutch (Truro, my hometown), French (Acadian settlements), and Scottish (everywhere, of course) accents, among several others.

With regard to a possible "Canadio-Japanese pronunciation of English," I can't really say whether or not my own pronunciation has been affected by living in Japan for the past 10 years. No one has ever commented on it, anyway. I will say this, however: I pronounce any Japanese vocabulary which has made its way into common English usage like a Japanese would. In fact, I now cringe when I hear how badly English speakers mangle words like "karaoke", "sake", "kamikaze", and "hara kiri". I don't think living in Japan has really changed my pronunciation of English, but it has had a definite affect on my phrasing and word choice when speaking, for perhaps obvious reasons. When those around one are not likely to understand complex sentences or "high-level" vocabulary, one is forced to simplify, simplify, and simplify some more. I also notice that I've developed an annoying habit of saying "do you understand?" and similar phrases even when I'm talking to other native speakers of English. I think this blog is, in a way, a revolt against that tendency. I'm writing ("speaking") to myself. I don't really give a shit if anyone else understands what I'm talking about, or not.

As for "Canadian swearing", so far as I know it's no different than "American swearing". At any rate, I have no trouble understanding the cursing in American movies, and I've never noticed that Americans have any difficulty understanding my swearing. One difference I've noticed between North American and UK swearing is in the use of the "c" word. That word is almost taboo in North American circles (certainly no guy who expects to date women can get away with saying it on any regular basis). It still seems to be in fairly regular use in the UK, however (please correct me if I'm wrong--I'm only going by British gangster movies and UK blogs!). I also think that UK speakers of English are a bit more creative in their swearing--choice of words, new coinages, etc. Good North American swearing relies on sheer volume, so that what initially sounds like a mindless string of curse words can, after a minute or so, attain the sublime. Swearers of all stripes also gain the respect and admiration of their listeners with unexpected grammatical flourishes. I was quite impressed the first time I saw "c**ting", as in "what a fucking c**ting c**t!"

[*] Really, Tafkass, I'm shocked, shocked, I say... ;-)