The Whiskey Bottle (1)

One Friday night Jimmy was up in Victoria Park drinking with his buddy Brad, and Brad's girlfriend Connie. They were in the woods on a hill overlooking the main part of the park. The park was closed, so they weren't supposed to be there. There was also the matter of the three of them being underage.

They had just finished off a case of beer and were about to start in on a 40 of rye. Just as they were about to twist off the top of the 40 though, they noticed somebody approaching in the lighted area below them. It was Old Chas, the park's caretaker. Old Chas was the enemy of the world's young. He was about 65 or 70, and he had (so it seemed) a deep, specific hatred for "hippy-types" and, more generally, for any young people who might be enjoying themselves. Chas wasn't dangerous or anything, but he could be a real pain in the ass.

As Old Chas walks by below them, Jimmy's holding the 40 of whiskey. He whispers to Brad and Connie, "What the fuck. Let's open this sucker and drink quietly until Chas is gone." OK's are whispered back. Jimmy hefts the bottle, and is about to twist the cap when, somehow, the bottle slips from his hands.

Now, if they'd been on a street somewhere, the bottle would have smashed on the sidewalk, and that would have been the end of it--aside from some running. But they were in the woods. The bottle didn't break. It just hit the ground with a mild thud. Chas didn't even hear it. Unfortunately for Jimmy, Brad, and Connie, however, they were sitting on a pretty steep slope that was covered in pine needles. The bottle didn't stop when it hit the ground. It seemed, rather, to hit the ground and then take off down the hill, as if launched--directly towards Chas.

As the bottle is rolling down the hill it starts to make a bit of noise. It's bumping into trees, going through bushes, and bouncing around. Chas hears it and looks up the hill. Just as Chas says "Who's up--" Jimmy leaps up and begins chasing the bottle down the hill, bumping into trees, going through bushes, and bouncing around. "Fuck you, you old bastard" Jimmy yells, "we're coming for you!" As if on cue Brad and Connie jump up and begin charging down the hill.

Poor Old Chas doesn't know what's happening and runs away with a feeble "I'm callin' the cops on you kids!"

At the bottom of the hill they retrieve the whiskey. Jimmy's relieved to see Chas moving briskly toward the park entrance...

Dum Dum Boys

The first time I saw
The dum dum boys
I was fascinated
They just stood in front
Of the old drug store
I was most impressed
No one else was impressed
Not at all
--Iggy Pop, "Dum Dum Boys"

It was not long after Jimmy had quit school that he started hanging around outside The Maritimer restaurant with some other guys, all more or less the same age, all more or less out of school. When they had money they'd go inside and drink coffee and smoke cigarettes. If nobody had any money, they'd hang around until someone came along that did. Mike, the owner of the restaurant, was originally from Syria. Jimmy and his friends thought that maybe he was a Christian, but they were never able to find out for sure. Mike was always coming out and telling them to get the fuck off his steps or he'd call the cops. Mike never did call the cops, not even the time Jimmy got totally wasted and puked all over the steps leading into the restaurant-- just before lunch. Sometimes Mike would give them something to eat for helping him move stuff and other odd jobs.

Jimmy and his buddies occasionally got into this or that or some other kind of shit, but it was all pretty low-key and definitely small-time. They would never have called themselves a "gang". No, they were generally quite content to hang out in front of the restaurant, smoke cigarettes, do some small deals, and get drunk on the weekends.

Sometimes things got weird. One Friday night Jimmy was hanging outside the restaurant with a couple of his buddies--his best friend Fulo, and an older guy, a glue-head named Jerry, who actually lived upstairs. It was a bit late and pretty quiet on the street when they noticed a guy coming towards them. He was walking like he was drunk or stoned, and at first they didn't pay much attention to him. As he got closer, Jimmy realized that he knew the guy. He was one of the Christers from Jimmy's old neighborhood. These were people from the countryside who, for some reason, had built a small fire and brimstone church smack in the middle of a small town neighborhood. Jimmy had always figured that the kids were alright, but their parents were a bit wacky. This guy's name was Freddy.

When Freddy got close enough to get a good look at him, he didn't look so hot. He was white as a sheet and clutching his arm. Jimmy hailed him, but he didn't respond. Instead, he took his hand off the arm he was holding onto, letting loose a stream of blood that must have shot out at least three or four feet. Jimmy, Fulo, and Jerry let out a round of shits, damns, and fucks before coming to their senses. Freddy had been cut pretty bad in some kind of scrape somewhere. Jimmy and Fulo looked at Jerry, who would sometimes rent a car and, in fact, happened to have one parked across the street on that very night. Jerry, like anyone else in a similar situation, spent a couple of seconds fretting about the blood. Jimmy and Fulo reminded him that the car was only a rental. Soon Freddy was in Jerry's rental car and on his way to the hospital.

Jimmy's buddies were generally OK guys. With one exception. Robby. If you'd asked Jimmy back then if Robby was a friend, Jimmy would surely have said yes. Jimmy feared Robby. In fact, any sane person would have feared Robby, because he was a borderline psychopath. One night at a party, Robby thought it would be fun to throw darts at Jimmy. Another time Robby decided to use Jimmy as a punching bag. He smacked Jimmy about 5 or 6 good ones right in the face. What Robby didn't know was that a punch in the face was at the bottom of the list of things Jimmy was afraid of. And really, unless you get it right in the nose, it doesn't even hurt. One time Robby, for no apparent reason, ripped all the buttons off Jimmy's shirt. When Jimmy complained about losing the buttons on his shirt, Robby got a weird look on his face and said, "You want buttons? Have buttons," and swept his arm through the air. This really creeped Jimmy out. That night he learned the word "megalomania" from the dictionary.

For all the times he hung out and got drunk and high with Robby, Jimmy didn't really know much about him (aside from his being a crazy ass motherfucker). Robby didn't talk much about himself except to brag about how big his dick was, how many chicks he'd laid, how many guys he'd beat up, that kind of stuff. Like anyone afraid of having the shit beat out of them for saying the wrong thing, Jimmy would nod and smile at his friend's tales of his exploits. Jimmy actually hated Robby, and would sometimes fantasize about ridding the earth of a worthless scumbag piece of shit...

One night Jimmy and Robby were inside The Maritimer having a coffee. Robby could be generous with people he considered friends, and tonight he was buying the coffee. They were discussing music--a common interest; Robby knew his tunes, and so did Jimmy. Somewhere in the middle of a discussion about the latest Dylan album Jimmy looked outside, saw who was there, and muttered a small "shit."

-----

The first day that Jimmy had started high school he'd managed to get himself suspended for a week--on the first day! Jimmy would tell you that it was completely undeserved. Jimmy, in fact, had done nothing to warrant anyone even noticing him on the first day of high school. Someone, however, had claimed that he saw Jimmy letting off stink bombs in a stairwell at school. That someone was Calvin Smith. Jimmy swore revenge...

Several months later, Jimmy's hanging out with the boys in front of The Maritimer, and Calvin approaches them, asking if they know where he can score something. Jimmy gets his revenge. He arranges a small deal where he takes Calvin's money, and then laughs in his face as he walks away. Calvin is outnumbered, and helpless. He's lost his 25 bucks...

-----

Calvin, somewhat brazenly, comes into the restaurant and delivers an ultimatum: give back the 25 bucks or get the shit kicked out of you. He's got his big brother and some other guy outside. Robby raises an eyebrow. Jimmy's not afraid. Yet.

Jimmy and Robby go outside and Calvin's big brother approaches. He opens his mouth to say something, but doesn't get the chance. Robby whips out a knife from his jacket and, leaping at the guy, takes a big swipe at him. Jimmy almost faints on the spot. This is not what he expected. He spends the next two minutes trying to prevent Robby from killing Calvin's big brother. The panic, the irony, the absurdity, none of this is lost on Jimmy...

Adventures of Jimmy Jones (Excerpts)

He went down to Halifax early, hoping to score something to smoke before going across the bridge to The Crazy Horse in Dartmouth where his friends were playing later that evening. Jimmy didn't really know Halifax at all, and figured he'd go to Scotia Square and see if there was anyone hanging out.

He'd only wandered around the mall for 30 minutes or so when some guy came right up to him and asked him if he wanted 5 joints for 10 bucks. It was a bit steep, but Jimmy figured it was better than wandering around all day, so he agreed. They walked to the parking area, made the deal, and parted ways. Jimmy hadn't really checked the dope, so he headed for the nearest toilet to could check out what he had bought.

"Fuck me," he said to himself, as he ripped open one of the "joints" only to find tobacco.

---------------------

The Indian guy from the CBC said, "OK, man, why don't we swap half and half? I know where my mushrooms are from--man, they're blended with tree fungus and shit, they'll really fuck you up." Jimmy handed over about half of the mushrooms he'd scored earlier, and the Indian guy passed over a roughly equal amount. They did them up.

--------------------

"You seem to be handling this well," the Indian guy said. Jimmy was not handling it well. He was pleased, though, that he didin't look like he was about to puke and go insane. He saw the Indian guy from the CBC clearly, like some kind of psychic anchor, a cardboard cutout around which all manner of hallucinations were taking place. His conversation with the Indian guy was happening in "real time." Outside the cutout, time sped up, slowed, sped up again. At some point Jimmy realized that, although he could speak to and understand the Indian guy, he was completely incapable of ordering a beer, distinguishing a two dollar bill from a five, shit like that.

---------------------

Jimmy climbed the steps up to The Crazy Horse. He was fucked up, but the true horror of it hadn't quite dawned on him yet. At the top of the stairs he could see assorted bouncer-types gathered around an area where it looked like someone was taking tickets or money. His friends were playing, and they'd left his name at the door, so he wasn't worried about having to pay to get in...

--------------------

Jimmy couldn't speak. He was mute. He took a step back and, too late, realized he was falling down the stairs...